trashchildren | For Joan

She knew the question was coming, of course. Knew for the several days they were apart that this would come up when they got back together and had their heart to heart. And yet when he finally asks, the words stick in her throat. She looks away, having to take a moment just to get it out.

"I killed a patient," she answers finally, her eyes still averted. "The man who died...he was nice. I met him, met his family. He and I would talk about his hopes for his son." She shakes her head slightly. "During the surgery, I nicked his inferior vena cava...that's the large blood vessel that carries deoxygenated blood from the body to the heart. I don't know how it happened. But he lost his entire blood volume into his body cavity in seconds."

Ted was already aware it might be a sore subject, but when she has such problem even saying it, and then admits to killing a patient, his heart breaks for her. He can't even imagine.

"I'm sorry, that must have been awful," he says quietly. He gives her a one-armed hug, and takes her hand with his other hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. He doesn't say anything else - what can you say? Just sits with her for a moment. Wishing he could do something to help her with that pain.

She doesn't tell a lot of people this story. Her own sense of guilt has eased over the years, in no small part due to Sherlock pointing out the simple truth that Joan had been unable to accept...that it was an accident. But it's still painful. She also worries about what people will think of her when she tells them, and Ted's kindness is a relief. She turns towards him and lays her head on his shoulder again.

"I was sued for malpractice. There was a trial, where my actions were dissected in minute detail and the wife testified that I was a terrible doctor and a worse person and I had stolen a husband and father from his family. In the end my malpractice insurance paid the settlement and my license was suspended. It was only for three months, but I couldn't even imagine picking up a scalpel ever again. So I let my license lapse."

Ted nods in understanding. He can't imagine going back either. It's a tremendous responsibility, and something like that would not only ruin your confidence, it would probably take the joy out of it too.

He sits there in silence for a moment, just holding her.

"I don't imagine there's anything I could say that would make you feel better about that," he says quietly. "But thanks for telling me anyway." He appreciates that she trusts him with it, that she's willing to share this pain with him.

"Thank you for listening," she responds softly. "And for being so kind."

She didn't expect any less from Ted, the kindest person she knows and someone who clearly cares for her deeply. She still appreciates it, though.

"On the plus side," she says, trying to move on a little from the topic, "my medical knowledge is extremely useful as a detective."

Ted smiles softly. "I bet. And then in between there, you were a sober companion, right?" he asks. He doesn't necessarily know what that entails, but he can sort of guess based on the name.

"Right. Basically I lived with people who were making the transition from rehab to everyday life. I got into it because I had some personal experience dealing with addiction. I had a boyfriend who was an addict. He became an addict while we were together, so I saw first hand what it did to him." She gives him a small, sad smile. "My mother never understood why I chose the job. She was convinced I was paying penance for being unable to save Liam. That was my boyfriend. And...she was probably at least a little right. But I was good at it. I helped a lot of people."

Ted watches Joan with ever increasing admiration and appreciation. There must be so many people in this world whose lives are made better because of the existence of Joan. That warms his heart so much.

He actually forgets to say anything, he's just kind of staring at her like she's been sent from heaven.

She sees him staring, and she tilts her head in curiosity, giving him a smile.

"What is it?"

"Oh, no, it's just..." he says, still staring at her. "You're like a genius, and you're hard-working, you could've been anything, probably gotten crazy rich in the process. And you just... consistently found new ways to help people. I'm just amazed by you."

She ducks her head, smiling and blushing at the compliment, then looks back up to meet his eyes.

"Thank you. I'm amazed by you too," she says. "You crossed an ocean to a country you didn't know, to coach a sport you'd never played, to change the lives of people you'd never met. That's astounding."

"Aww, thanks," he answers, smiling. "To be fair, I was going through a divorce, so I was acting kind of crazy. But it worked out."

Again, definitely that fine line between bravery and stupidity. And it was scary as heck sometimes.

"Pretty sure the divorce makes it more impressive," she says with a teasing smile. She squeezes his hand. "People find their paths in the strangest of ways sometimes. I'm so glad you found yours. Both for your sake and for mine."

"Yeah, you know, I was pretty upset about that whole business you got hired to sort out. But now I'm pretty glad it happened," he says. Otherwise they might have never met, and that would have been a shame.

"Me too," she responds with a smile.

There have been so many terrible things in Joan's life that led to the most wonderful things. Her path has indeed been found in the strangest of ways.

"God blessed the broken road that led me straight to you," she quotes, figuring Ted would certainly be a country music fan.

That just makes Ted feel all kinds of ways again, and he leans over to kiss Joan again, cupping her face with his hand. For a while. He's not trying to instigate something, he just wants to be close to her for a while.

Joan makes a small sound as he kisses her, and takes his face in her hands as she sinks into the kiss. It doesn't need to go anywhere. She's just so full of love for this man, and this sort of simple, gentle physical intimacy feels like a perfect way to express it.

If she's staying over, there's a decent chance it will go somewhere eventually. But for now it's just a lovely way to deal with and express all these feelings.

He does eventually pull back, although he remains all snuggled up with her. He gives a deep, happy sigh of contentment.

"...So what were we talking about?" he asks jokingly.

"It's gone completely out of my head," she says jokingly, nuzzling his neck affectionately. "What would you like to talk about?"

"Hmmm," Ted answers, thinking back to how far they'd gotten. "So you met Sherlock while you were a sober companion?"

He's sort of made the assumption, given Sherlock avoids alcohol, that she was his sober companion. But he's not going to put her in the position of either having to lie, or share that potentially private information.

"Ah," she says playfully, "that's where we were. Yes, I did. I should probably let you know a couple things. First, you've probably figured out Sherlock was my client at the time. He released me from my duty of confidentiality a while ago so I could talk to people about how I became a detective. That said, it would be good to keep this between us."

Ted nods. "Yeah, I guessed, but I figured I shouldn't ask," he answers. He doesn't mind keeping it private. "So, you got tired of being the Angus and wanted to take part yourself?" he asks, only half joking.

"Not exactly," she says with a smile. "I was never the Angus. Pretty much from the beginning I was helping with his cases. Part of the job of a sober companion is to be with the client at all times, including going to work with them. " She laughs a little and shakes her head. "Sherlock really hated me at first."

Ted chuckles at that. He can't imagine hating Joan, but he can imagine being frustrated with someone being present at all times.

"And then he saw what a genius you are and how much help you provided?" he asks, which is of course also a compliment.

"Pretty much," she says with a slight smile. "He tried his hardest to push me away at first. Saying inappropriate things, coming up with a long list of ways to refer to me in public. That first day he deduced I used to be a surgeon. And then that the reason I wasn't anymore was because I had killed a patient." She gives a small shrug. "When I say people don't like being deduced, it comes from personal experience of being on both sides of the equation. But as much as he tried to push me away, he also recognized that I saw things the way he did. Could make the sort of connections he could."

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