For Joan

[theodorelasso]

Continued from here.

(warnings: sexytimes. also, panic attacks, brutal violence, attempted murder, discussion of suicide and actual murder... )

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[theodorelasso]

"Oh, don't you dare blame yourself for that," he says immediately, even if he knows that's a futile effort to make. "Family and loved ones are always more important than work."

He gives her shoulder a good squeeze, and he really means it. If he's sad, it's because his heart hurts for her, not because he has to skip out on the team for a week.

"Besides, circumstances aside, it'll be nice to see your place and meet your friends," he points out.

There is another consideration, which is that maybe Henry can come visit them up in New York for a couple days, if Joan's busy with family stuff that Ted shouldn't intrude on. Ted couldn't see him because of work, and cause the travel's very far, but now...

Well, he doesn't want to voice it yet, because he needs to speak to Michelle, and figure out what's happening the week they're there, and all that stuff. Besides, he doesn't want to seem like he's going with her just for that.

[formersurgeon]

Joan might even know intellectually that she's not to blame, but it doesn't mean she won't feel guilt anyway. She does smile a bit at his mention of her friends.

"They're going to love you," she says softly. There's a sadness to it, of course, as it echoes what she said earlier about how Joan's mother would have loved Ted. But she's sincerely looking forward to introducing Ted to everybody she can.

[theodorelasso]

Ted nods in agreement, smiling gently at her. "And don't you worry about me while we're over there, alright?" he adds. "If you need to go do family stuff or something without me, I'll find things to occupy myself. And if you need help with anything at all, all you gotta do is ask."

[formersurgeon]

"You can spend some time with Sherlock," she offers quietly. "Or just look around the Brownstone. Spend some time with the bees."

She's just musing now, imagining Ted at the home that Sherlock and Joan share.

Or shared. They're living in London now.

[theodorelasso]

"I'd love to meet the bees," Ted answers with a smile. "Though aren't they hibernating for winter or something?"

He doesn't know that much about bees, but he does know you don't generally see them during winter. Seems like the cold would do them in if they went flying around.

[formersurgeon]

'No," she says with a faint smile. "When it's cold the bees come together to keep each other warm."

She turns her head a little to kiss his shoulder.

[theodorelasso]

"Awww, that's sweet," Ted answers with a smile, squeezing her hand as she kisses his shoulder. He's glad she's smiling at least a little and showing affection. "Although taking a nice long nap for the cold seasons sounds pretty good too, honestly. Then again, you miss out on prime sweater weather and cocoa drinking and all that good stuff," he muses, just gently chattering to keep Joan entertained.

[formersurgeon]

Joan knows there are some people who find Ted's talkativeness annoying, but Joan typically doesn't mind, and right now she's deeply grateful. She just relaxes against him and listens to him talk, occasionally giving him a "mhmm" to let him know she's listening.

When the cab gets to Ted's apartment she squeezes his hand before letting go and climbing out of the cab to wait by the door of his building.

[theodorelasso]

Ted can natter on for ages if need be, going off on tangents upon tangents, and Joan seems to appreciate the distraction.

He thanks and pays the driver, getting their suitcases and following after Joan. He's of course long since given her a key, after what happened, so he lets her unlock it as he carries stuff inside.

He has a Christmas tree up in this apartment too of course, though it's a bit more sparsely decorated otherwise compared to 221A.

"You wanted to take a nap?"

[formersurgeon]

Joan follows him inside, and smiles at the tree. It's been a while since she's actually been in this apartment, since they spend their time together in 221A.She knows Ted doesn't spend all that much time here, and yet he made sure there was a little bit of Christmas cheer in this place as well. It's very Ted.

"Yes," she answers. "I can do that when you go to Nelson Road."

[theodorelasso]

"Alright. You wanna go around and check everything over while I pack, make sure the toaster isn't gonna burn the building down while we're gone and stuff like that?" he requests with a smile.

[formersurgeon]

"I can do that."

Joan moves through the apartment, unplugging things. There really isn't that much to do, since Ted doesn't spend much time here. It strikes her that he came here last night, to an apartment that is barely lived in, when he was sad and angry. It makes her sad just thinking about it.

Once everything has been sorted Joan comes into the bedroom and sits on the bed to watch as Ted packs.

[theodorelasso]

There is in fact an opened bottle of whiskey on the living room table, with a glass that's obviously been recently used. It wasn't exactly a very cheerful evening...

He doesn't have too much here, so the packing doesn't take very long. And he can always do laundry over there, or buy things he forgets to pack. He's just about done when Joan joins him.

"Alright, I think that's everything," he says, closing the suitcase and taking it off the bed, setting it by the door. "Bed's all yours."

[formersurgeon]

That makes Joan sad too. She worries a little about Ted's drinking at times. She wouldn't call him an alcoholic per se, but there are times he appears to be self-medicating with alcohol, and that concerns her. Seeing that bottle and glass also reminds her of how badly she hurt him. She closes the bottle and puts it in the cabinet, then washes the glass and sets it next to the sink to dry.

She nods as he puts the suitcase by the door, then looks up at him. She's tired and sad, for so many reasons.

"Can you stay while I fall asleep?"

[theodorelasso]

"I was planning to, yeah," he answers with a warm smile, going to wrap an arm around her shoulders and give her head a kiss. He'd rather not leave her at all, but if he's going to then he wants to make sure she's alright before he does. As alright as she can be.

[formersurgeon]

She smiles a little and lowers her head when he says he was planning on staying. Of course he was. He is so devoted to her, and it makes her heart ache a little, feeling seen and loved even...especially...when times are hard.

Joan leans into him for a breath. Then she toes off her shoes and climbs into bed, getting under the covers.

"Can you lie down with me?" she asks softly.

[theodorelasso]

"Of course," he answers, toeing off his sneakers. He was planning to sit down next to her at the very least, but he'll gladly lie down if she wants him to. They've got plenty of time before the flight, so he doesn't need to rush off.

He's also grateful that she does actually ask for these things. She may be closing herself off now and then to deal with everything, but she's not afraid to make requests of him, because she knows he'll be there for her.

He crawls into bed next to her, wrapping an arm around her. He knows he probably has little hope of sneaking out without her waking up a little bit, but hopefully by then she'll be sleepy enough to not worry.

[formersurgeon]

He's special. She knows she doesn't have to be strong for him, like she has to be for Sherlock. She knows she doesn't have to be hypercompetent for him, like she has to be for the people she works with in a male-dominated field. And she knows she can show weakness without being judged or coddled or both, like with her family. So she can ask him for things and be vulnerable and needy and she knows everything will be okay.

She moves close to him, nestling against him, and for a moment she gazes at him, lifting a hand to touch his cheek, her heart achingly full of love and grief.

"I love you," she whispers again.

[theodorelasso]

Ted gazes back at her, his expression mirroring hers - though less grief, and more a bone-deep sadness at her grief, and the fact there's nothing he can do to fix that for her.

"I love you too," he answers. "So much."

[formersurgeon]

She sees her pain reflected back at her, and it doesn't exactly make her feel better; it makes her feel like she's going to be okay. He gives her hope that she can survive this, that one day she will feel whole again.

She leans in to kiss him gently.

[theodorelasso]

He kisses his back, reaching up to stroke her hair softly. He can't imagine there's anything he wouldn't do for her. And he knows she will be okay too, that all it takes is time and support, and a safe space to grieve and heal. And he'll do his best to make sure she has that.

[formersurgeon]

When their lips part Joan sighs softly, opening her eyes just to gaze at him for another moment, before closing her eyes again, her body slowly relaxing as she begins to drift off to sleep.

[theodorelasso]

Ted keeps stroking her hair softly, watching her. As she starts to drift off, the sadness seems to fade from her expression into something more peaceful, and he's tempted to just take a nap right next to her himself. But no, he does need to get going.

He waits until he hopes she's deep enough asleep not to notice too badly when he moves. He carefully slips away, kissing her forehead before he gets out of bed. "I'll be back later," he whispers reassuringly, to make sure she doesn't worry at him being gone.

[formersurgeon]

Joan is so weary, physically and emotionally, that when she falls asleep she sinks pretty deep. She stirs a tiny bit when he moves, her lips half-forming words that she doesn't voice, then settles again.

[theodorelasso]

Ted goes to find one of his tiny 'BELIEVE' signs, and props it up on the nightstand so she'll see it when she wakes up. He just stands there and looks at her for a second, before he heads out to go to the club.

He hadn't actually told anyone what the emergency was, so they're all a little bit worried when he shows up. It's a somber conversation, and everyone offers their condolences and asks if there's anything they can do.

And they're of course totally fine with him disappearing for a week - even if Ted can tell that Beard's a little worried about the team, with Ted being gone again. They go over plans for the next two weeks, and Ted promises to check in through his computer.