For Joan

[theodorelasso]

Continued from here.

(warnings: sexytimes. also, panic attacks, brutal violence, attempted murder, discussion of suicide and actual murder... )

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[formersurgeon]

She returns the chaste kiss with a smile. but the smile fades a little with his description of Beard. It strikes her that she actually has a lot more in common with Beard here than with Ted. And Ted should probably know that.

"I need to tell you something," she says softly.

[theodorelasso]

Ted sobers a little at that. Whenever she says that, there's always something rather serious coming next. It concerns him a little, but it's always led to them just opening up and learning more about each other, so he's not too worried.

"Alright," he answers just as softly, and reaches over to take her hand, stroking it reassuringly.

[formersurgeon]

She squeezes his hand. She knows he loves her, and he knows she loves him. They're utterly committed to each other, and she's confident this won't change that. Still, she's worried about how he'll react to what she's about to tell him. Will he look at her differently? Second-guess his trust in her?

"I've mentioned that Sherlock has what he calls 'exercise partners.' Women he has sex with just to fulfill a need." She takes a breath. "After Andrew...I had exercise partners, too."

[theodorelasso]

Ted listens, patiently awaiting whatever reveal is coming.

And then she stops talking, and Ted waits, expecting more, but she doesn't say anything more. Just that she had sex with some people, which seems.. underwhelming?

"...Okay?" he answers uncertainly, not sure what she expected his reaction to be. He pauses briefly, going over her phrasing in his wait. "Wait, are you saying you had sex with women, or...?"

Because that's the only remarkable thing he can think of regarding that, and she did just elaborate 'exercise partners' to mean women Sherlock had sex with. Which, obviously, would also be fine, if a little surprising.

[formersurgeon]

"What?" she says, blinking at that completely unexpected question. She doesn't know quite how to interpret that reaction. "No...no, I'm saying that I've had casual sex with...a lot of men."

[theodorelasso]

"Right," Ted answers, nodding a little. She seems surprisingly nervous about this reveal, and he doesn't want to diminish that, but he also wants to reassure her that it's not really a big deal. He doesn't know what 'a lot' necessarily entails, but unless it makes a different in their current relationship, he's not sure it really matters.

"That's okay. That doesn't bother me," he answers, squeezing her hand a little and giving her a small reassuring smile. "I mean... Should it?"

[formersurgeon]

She's both relieved and a little confused. "Not necessarily. I'm glad it doesn't bother you. I thought it might because for you sex requires intimacy, and I was concerned you'd think differently of me if you knew I've engaged in non-intimate sex. A lot of non-intimate sex. I worried you'd wonder if what we have can really be that special to me. Or if I'm going to cheat on you."

[theodorelasso]

He's glad that she's brought this up, not because Ted himself feels like it was important for him to know, but because this has clearly worried her a bit. He doesn't want her to have to carry that worry needlessly. And he always loves learning more about her, getting a richer understanding of her life and her past.

He pulls her hand up to his mouth and gives it a kiss.

"If you ever feel the need to have sex with someone else, then I hope you'll tell me, so we can figure it out together," he says. And he really does mean that. Because it would mean she was lacking something, and he doesn't want that.

"As for special, I mean... It's not what things we do that make it special. It's the fact that love each other, and we choose to do those things together. Right?"

[formersurgeon]

She's so taken aback by how he's reacting to all this in such a calm, steady loving manner, although she knows she really shouldn't be surprised. This is who Ted is. He believes in love and in trust and in faith and in her. And his belief has made her believe, too.

She kisses his hand and then warmly holds it to her chest. "Right," she says. "It's special because you're special. Because what we have is special. When we have sex, it's not just an exercise of sensual quid pro quo. it's a physical expression of the love we have for each other."

[theodorelasso]

Ted blinks and smiles at the way she describes it, at once both academic and incredibly romantic. And also reassuring, that she really does find it incredibly special, just like he does. It wouldn't have been the end of the world if she didn't, as long as she considered their relationship itself to be special and important, but it makes him happy that she does.

He's never figured he was blowing her mind with his skills in bed alone. Sometimes he's a little insecure about it, but hearing her talk like this helps. He hopes and thinks that what it really comes down to his attentiveness and his dedication to making sure she feels good. Which is something he has up on those guys she's had casual sex with. The trust and the communication and the familiarity.

"Do you miss it?" he asks curiously. He tries not to let any insecurity creepy into the question.

[formersurgeon]

That is absolutely what it comes down to. Even if he were a complete neophyte when it came to sex, Joan could teach him what to do. She can't teach the attention and dedication and love that he pours into every intimate moment they have together. It is deeply and immeasurably important, and so very precious to her. And she hopes the same is true for him, that her love and care and dedication make him feel just as valued as he makes her feel.

The question makes her blink a little, though. "Casual sex?" she asks. "No. Not at all. What we have...it's so full and rich, it makes everything else shallow by comparison. There's nothing to miss. You give me everything and so much more."

[theodorelasso]

He smiles at the answer, reassured and touched by the conviction and the love in it.

"Well, I don't really see the appeal in the first place - which is fine, you know, we can like and need different things," he says, not wanting to come off as judgy. "But, you know, maybe there was something you got out of it that you don't get from me. That would be okay too. I don't have to be everything to you to still be important to you."

It's why he's also not jealous of Sherlock. Hinging absolutely everything on your partner isn't healthy, no matter how much you're capable of giving each other. And it doesn't take anything away from their relationship, because he truly believes that their capacity for love increases with each person in their lives.

And personally, Ted already had a slightly difficult time satisfying his need for sex with someone he wasn't romantically involved with, and that would only be even more true when he is already in a romantic relationship. But that doesn't mean that's true for Joan. The most important thing to Ted is protecting the trust between them, that they're honest with each other.

[formersurgeon]

"There isn't," she assures him. "I get what you're saying. And I appreciate it, I do. But I wasn't having casual sex for the sake of having casual sex. I wasn't in a relationship and I honestly doubted that I would or could ever be in a relationship, but I still had needs, so. Now that I'm with you, that need is well taken care of. And the idea of having sex with anyone else..." She shrugs a little. "It feels wrong. Like, not necessarily morally wrong, just...it wouldn't be satisfying anymore. Because what we have is so important to me." She smiles. "I'm only interested in having sex with you."

[theodorelasso]

Ted listens with interest, and he is glad to hear that. Just because he wouldn't feel outright jealous (or at least doesn't think he would) doesn't mean he wouldn't probably still feel... kind of weird about it, maybe?

He just wants to make sure they talk about this stuff, and that she's not assuming something is out of the question between Ted's maybe a bit old-fashioned or private in his approach to sex. He thinks there were definitely a few things Michelle and him didn't talk enough about. Not about sex specifically, but about their personal needs and expectations. So Ted is trying to rectify that.

"Likewise," he answers with a soft smile. His sexual needs are definitely well taken care of. Especially after today.

"I just like learning more stuff about you," he adds, reaching up to brush back some of her hair. "I want to know everything about you. I mean.. I don't need to know all your deep, dark secrets, or whatever," he adds with a chuckle. "But anything you want to share, I'm interested to hear about."

[formersurgeon]

Joan knows that Ted's marriage fell apart primarily because there was a lack of communication of needs and a pressure to make everything seem rosy when it wasn't. She can tell he's trying to make sure that doesn't happen again, and she admires him for it.

She smiles as he touches her hair, and returns the affection by caressing his cheek. "You know a lot already," she says. "Even some of my deep dark secrets." She brushes some of his hair back from his face. "I want to know everything about you too. Anything you're comfortable sharing. Or even if you're not comfortable but want to share anyway. You're always safe with me."

[theodorelasso]

Ted smiles at that, and leans in for a soft kiss. He does know he's safe with her. In every way imaginable.

It does feel a little bit like a prompt, though. Or at least, like it can be if he wants it to. He takes a deep breath and sighs, then rolls over onto his back, looking up at the ceiling.

They talked about it a little bit, but Ted was still rather emotional about all of it, and didn't end up saying much. He does want to change that. He's not quite sure where to start though, so he ends up just lying there for a bit, obviously contemplating.

[formersurgeon]

Joan watches him contemplating, and she wonders what he's thinking about, what subject he's trying to think of how to approach. His father? His sexuality? His marriage? Something else?

She snuggles close, resting her head on his shoulder and her hand on his chest, just being a comforting physical presence for him.

[theodorelasso]

He puts his hand on top of hers, glad for her closeness and her patience.

"You know, uh.. Back in junior year, there was this guy on my basketball team," he says, speaking quietly, still looking up at the ceiling. It's pretty private and emotional, so eye contact is a bit much.

And given it's junior year, she could probably put two and two together and realize it was less than a year after his father died, so it's emotional for more than one reason, and would probably explain some of his behavior.

"Real sweet guy, everyone on the team liked him, but also a bit of a hothead sometimes," he continues, then gives a sigh. "Then after a big match, where we pretty solidly crushed the other team, um. Afterwards, I was heading out into the parking lot, and there he was. And so were a bunch of the players from the opposing team." He pauses, chewing his lip for a second.

"And they were.. hassling him, you know, pretty sore about the loss. So I walked up, of course, told them to knock it off. I don't remember what they said, but they were pretty rude, and, well, I ended up throwing a punch at one of them. Turned into a big of a fight, and we all got in pretty big trouble afterwards. Especially my teammate. See, he'd been in some fights before, so he ended up getting transferred to a different school at the end of the semester." Ted pauses again, frowning softly up at the ceiling. "And I was.. heartbroken. A lot more than it seemed reasonable to be. And I, uh.. eventually realized that was the first guy I ever had a crush on."

[formersurgeon]

Joan listens quietly as he recounts the tale. She can certainly put it in the context of a young man having just lost his father in a terrible way. He must have been so angry, that raw emotion having yet to work itself into the optimism that is such a defining characteristic now. And of course Ted would defend someone he cared about, even if that caring was confusing.

"Did you ever see him again?" she asks softly.

[theodorelasso]

Ted shakes his head a little. "And this was, you know, early 90s, so I couldn't really look him up. I suppose I probably could now, but..."

He's kind of curious, but on the other hand, that was a very specific chapter of his life that he doesn't think about a lot. He's probably not gonna reach out to that guy, this many years later.

[formersurgeon]

Joan knows it can be hard to have an incident like this where there are so many questions that will likely never be answered. It's a common experience, but that doesn't make it any easier.

"The kids that were hassling him...were the things they were saying homophobic?"

[theodorelasso]

"No, they--" He pauses, considering. "I dunno, I guess they might have been," he corrects with a wry smile. Again, early 90s in high school sports. It's not entirely unlikely, no matter whether if it would've been accurate or not.

"I don't really remember. I just remember it really ticked me off," he answers. "But then I wasn't quite as mellow as I am now."

[formersurgeon]

"Teenagers are usually the opposite of mellow," she says with a faint smile. "Especially teenage boys. Hormones and lack of perspective can do that. And that's without everything you were going through at that time, having just lost your father. I can't imagine anyone being mellow in those circumstances."

[theodorelasso]

Ted hums in agreement. "Yeah, I hadn't quite hit my Jimmy Buffett phase," he jokes mildly. He pulls back a little so he can pull his arm free, and wrap it around Joan, then kisses the top of her head.

As sad as it is to remember this stuff, he's grateful he gets to share it with her. Sadness shared is sadness halved and all that. And Sherlock's right that his bisexuality is a significant part of his life, if a hidden one, so he wants to be able to talk about it with her.

[formersurgeon]

Joan wraps her arms around him in turn, holding him close. She's glad he feels comfortable opening up to her. She knows it's hard to face difficult things like this, particularly for Ted, who wears his optimism like armor.

"I love you," she murmurs, closing her eyes as she rests her head against his chest.