For Joan

[theodorelasso]

Continued from here.

(warnings: sexytimes. also, panic attacks, brutal violence, attempted murder, discussion of suicide and actual murder... )

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[formersurgeon]

Joan echoes that expression with a playful cringe.

"Apartment living," she sighs as she snuggles against him again, head resting on his shoulder. "Or...flat living, I guess."

[theodorelasso]

"Yeah, I never got that. Is it cause it's just on one floor?" he guesses, sinking into the couch and leaning his head against hers. "Seems like a weird word to use anyway."

[formersurgeon]

"That would make sense." She sighs, so comfortable here, leaning against each other. It feels like the most natural thing in the world, like this, out of all the world, is where she's supposed to be.

"I've been to London probably a dozen times now, and I still don't get all the differences in terminology. Which can be challenging as a detective. I guess I know what Sherlock feels like being an Englishman in New York."

[theodorelasso]

Ted has much the same challenge, but it's probably not as big deal in his line of work. And he's been absolutely terrible at adjusting to some changes, even after learning them. He'll probably never remember to call it 'training'.

"Like a legal alien?" Ted asks with a smile, referencing the song.

[formersurgeon]

"Exactly," Joan says, smiling at the reference. "Be yourself, no matter what they say."

And didn't Ted embody that to a T.

"How did you get into coaching? Like, at first, when you were coaching American football?"

[theodorelasso]

"Well, I always loved sports. Used to go to a sports bar with my father every Sunday, for years. Played too - basketball, not football, and I never made it that far," he answers, picking up his wine again and taking a sip. "I just love the feeling of community, you know? And helping people be their best. So I got a bachelor in sports science, and I worked my way up."

He gives a shrug. "That's about it. What about you, how'd you become... You were a surgeon first, right?"

[formersurgeon]

"Yes. I specialized in trauma, but I handled less urgent cases, too. I was always a high achiever. Valedictorian in high school, and undergrad, and med school. Part of choosing surgery was wanting to take on the most challenging thing possible." She smiles, a little sadly. "Then there was wanting to be able to fix people. In an incredibly literal way. And..." She held up a finger. "Last but not least, I did it to please my mother."

[theodorelasso]

Ted raises his eyebrows at the education bit, and nods in understanding at the wanting to fix people. That's sort of what he does too, just in a much vaguer sense. And then he lets out a laugh at the last bit.

"Wow, three time valedictorian, huh?" he says, impressed. "I barely graduated high school, and I almost dropped out of college twice." He doesn't feel any real shame in that (maybe some self-consciousness), but it just amazes him that the two of them can be so different in certain ways, and yet get along so well.

[formersurgeon]

"But you finished high school," she points out. "And college, even though it was hard. That's what's important in the end. Nobody cares about grades once you're out of school. Like they say, after graduation, the top of the class and the bottom of the class in med school? Both are called 'doctor.' You're so good at what you do. And you change lives."

[theodorelasso]

Ted smiles at her sweetness. "Oh don't worry, I don't mind that stuff. School just isn't for me, and that's alright." It's the same way he feels about winning - it doesn't really matter to him. But he's glad to hear it doesn't matter that much to Joan either, at least not when dealing with other people. "I'm just impressed by you."

[formersurgeon]

"Ah, I see. Thank you." She just wanted to make it clear that grades and school aren't everything. Sometimes people have a tendency to treat her differently when they find out about her academic achievements, and she didn't want that to happen here. She sees now she shouldn't have worried.

[theodorelasso]

Even if it isn't reassurance he needs, he still appreciates that she wanted to give it. She clearly doesn't feel superior about it, she just wanted to challenge herself. That's definitely something Ted can appreciate.

"So how come you stopped being a surgeon?" he asks, somewhat softly. He imagines going to school for something for so long and then giving it up was probably a hard choice, regardless of the reason.

[formersurgeon]

She knew the question was coming, of course. Knew for the several days they were apart that this would come up when they got back together and had their heart to heart. And yet when he finally asks, the words stick in her throat. She looks away, having to take a moment just to get it out.

"I killed a patient," she answers finally, her eyes still averted. "The man who died...he was nice. I met him, met his family. He and I would talk about his hopes for his son." She shakes her head slightly. "During the surgery, I nicked his inferior vena cava...that's the large blood vessel that carries deoxygenated blood from the body to the heart. I don't know how it happened. But he lost his entire blood volume into his body cavity in seconds."

[theodorelasso]

Ted was already aware it might be a sore subject, but when she has such problem even saying it, and then admits to killing a patient, his heart breaks for her. He can't even imagine.

"I'm sorry, that must have been awful," he says quietly. He gives her a one-armed hug, and takes her hand with his other hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. He doesn't say anything else - what can you say? Just sits with her for a moment. Wishing he could do something to help her with that pain.

[formersurgeon]

She doesn't tell a lot of people this story. Her own sense of guilt has eased over the years, in no small part due to Sherlock pointing out the simple truth that Joan had been unable to accept...that it was an accident. But it's still painful. She also worries about what people will think of her when she tells them, and Ted's kindness is a relief. She turns towards him and lays her head on his shoulder again.

"I was sued for malpractice. There was a trial, where my actions were dissected in minute detail and the wife testified that I was a terrible doctor and a worse person and I had stolen a husband and father from his family. In the end my malpractice insurance paid the settlement and my license was suspended. It was only for three months, but I couldn't even imagine picking up a scalpel ever again. So I let my license lapse."

[theodorelasso]

Ted nods in understanding. He can't imagine going back either. It's a tremendous responsibility, and something like that would not only ruin your confidence, it would probably take the joy out of it too.

He sits there in silence for a moment, just holding her.

"I don't imagine there's anything I could say that would make you feel better about that," he says quietly. "But thanks for telling me anyway." He appreciates that she trusts him with it, that she's willing to share this pain with him.

[formersurgeon]

"Thank you for listening," she responds softly. "And for being so kind."

She didn't expect any less from Ted, the kindest person she knows and someone who clearly cares for her deeply. She still appreciates it, though.

"On the plus side," she says, trying to move on a little from the topic, "my medical knowledge is extremely useful as a detective."

[theodorelasso]

Ted smiles softly. "I bet. And then in between there, you were a sober companion, right?" he asks. He doesn't necessarily know what that entails, but he can sort of guess based on the name.

[formersurgeon]

"Right. Basically I lived with people who were making the transition from rehab to everyday life. I got into it because I had some personal experience dealing with addiction. I had a boyfriend who was an addict. He became an addict while we were together, so I saw first hand what it did to him." She gives him a small, sad smile. "My mother never understood why I chose the job. She was convinced I was paying penance for being unable to save Liam. That was my boyfriend. And...she was probably at least a little right. But I was good at it. I helped a lot of people."

[theodorelasso]

Ted watches Joan with ever increasing admiration and appreciation. There must be so many people in this world whose lives are made better because of the existence of Joan. That warms his heart so much.

He actually forgets to say anything, he's just kind of staring at her like she's been sent from heaven.

[formersurgeon]

She sees him staring, and she tilts her head in curiosity, giving him a smile.

"What is it?"

[theodorelasso]

"Oh, no, it's just..." he says, still staring at her. "You're like a genius, and you're hard-working, you could've been anything, probably gotten crazy rich in the process. And you just... consistently found new ways to help people. I'm just amazed by you."

[formersurgeon]

She ducks her head, smiling and blushing at the compliment, then looks back up to meet his eyes.

"Thank you. I'm amazed by you too," she says. "You crossed an ocean to a country you didn't know, to coach a sport you'd never played, to change the lives of people you'd never met. That's astounding."

[theodorelasso]

"Aww, thanks," he answers, smiling. "To be fair, I was going through a divorce, so I was acting kind of crazy. But it worked out."

Again, definitely that fine line between bravery and stupidity. And it was scary as heck sometimes.

[formersurgeon]

"Pretty sure the divorce makes it more impressive," she says with a teasing smile. She squeezes his hand. "People find their paths in the strangest of ways sometimes. I'm so glad you found yours. Both for your sake and for mine."