For Joan

[theodorelasso]

Continued from here.

(warnings: sexytimes. also, panic attacks, brutal violence, attempted murder, discussion of suicide and actual murder... )

Comments

[formersurgeon]

She listens to him describing what happened, and she notices how his voice changes when he goes into how he had pushed Chapman to reveal the name of the man who had pushed him toward Ted.

"It really bothers you, doesn't it?" she says softly. "How you got Chapman to reveal that information?"

He had manipulated him. Joan knows that much of Ted's considerable skill at coaching dances on the edge of manipulation in order to do right by his players and to make their lives better on and off the field. But this was over that edge, and Ted didn't do it to help Chapman.

[theodorelasso]

"Yeah.." Ted answers tiredly. "I felt like I was... toying with him."

He knows, logically, that he was doing it for a good cause. The end purpose is to prevent others from hurting people, to figure out who else might have been involved. But he was still... pushing Turner around, and it didn't feel good.

[formersurgeon]

"I'm sorry that happened. You shouldn't have been put in that situation."

Joan knows that, as a detective, the world she lives in can corrupt people, make them lesser...less kind, less honest, less scrupulous. She's had her own moments, times when she did things, used people, that she isn't proud of. Times when she's stood on the edge of that abyss, one bad choice away from falling. She knows it's not irrevocable, has seen even Sherlock come back from very dark places. But it's hard. And soul sucking. Ted is so special, so kind and caring, and it hurts her heart to think of him being pulled down by this.

[theodorelasso]

"It was my choice, no one put me there," Ted answers. He'd been warned by both of them, and he's still glad they let him try. "I just wish I could have helped him somehow." He sighs again. "Sherlock made me feel better about that part, though."

[formersurgeon]

"He did?" She's mildly surprised by that. Sherlock is a lot more personable and less acerbic than he used to be, but he still tended to be prickly with anybody who wasn't Joan or one of his very close friends. That he managed to make Ted feel better...well, it said some interesting things about both men.

[theodorelasso]

"Yeah. On the cab ride home, he told me about.. how you taught him that people were capable of change," he says, smiling a bit at that, fondness in his voice. Not just for Joan, but for Sherlock too. "Reminded me that I was right of me to try to help Turner."

[formersurgeon]

That fondness in his voice warms Joan's heart, because she loves Sherlock, and she loves Ted, and if the two of them could not only tolerate each other but actually be friends...it's really the best possible situation she could ask for.

"It was," she agrees. She wishes it had gone differently in a number of ways, but it was still good of him to try. Hopefully in the end that sincere attempt to be kind and help Turner will win out over the discomfort at what Ted had to do to get information from him.

"He likes you," she says. "Sherlock, I mean."

[theodorelasso]

"I think he might, yeah," Ted agrees, smiling. His impression of Sherlock is that the man has no qualms about showing his dislike for someone, or at least remain on frosty terms. But Sherlock had taken the effort to actually comfort him. In a rather personal way, too. "I like him, too."

[formersurgeon]

"Wow," she says with a small laugh. "I can't even begin to express how extremely rare that is. Like...I honestly cannot think of a single instance where Sherlock and anybody actually liked each other so quickly. It usually takes a lot of time, if it happens at all." She laughs again. "You are amazing."

[theodorelasso]

Ted chuckles warmly at that. "To be fair, I like most people," he answers, feeling a bit better now they're talking about nicer things. "And he's probably making an extra effort for your sake. Oh, he said to give you his best, by the way. I think he misses you a lot."

[formersurgeon]

That warmth in his voice is so nice to hear again.

Ted is almost certainly right that Sherlock is making an effort to like Ted for her sake, and she finds that interesting. She's had plenty of paramours that Sherlock has had absolutely no interest in even attempting to like. That said, Joan didn't love those men. They shared her bed and scratched an itch. But she loves Ted. Dearly. Deeply. Sherlock must see that, and accept that. Time was, he didn't believe in such a thing as love. How far he's come.

When he mentions that Sherlock misses her, Joan feels her heart ache a little. She hasn't been talking to Ted about a lot of the difficulties she's had, being so far away and so cut off from everyone. She misses Ted most of all, but she also misses Sherlock a lot. It's so hard to be trying to pursue this case when they're so far apart. Video calls can only do so much. And Sherlock is her friend, her partner. She loves him and she feels out of place without him.

But Joan doesn't want Ted to feel bad about the work she's doing, or about the agreement they made to be apart to keep him safe. He's been through so much trauma.

"It's been a long time since we've worked a case apart," she says quietly.

[theodorelasso]

"Yeah, he mentioned that too," he answers sympathetically. "How are you doing with all this? I know it's hard, working alone over there..."

After Sherlock's reminder, he would've asked anyway, to make sure. Even if he hadn't picked up on that quiet bit of sadness there.

[formersurgeon]

It's difficult for her to open up in this instance. She's been honest and vulnerable with him before, but that was either when they were both warm and safe, or when the pain of wanting to protect Ted by leaving him couldn't help but spill over. She's admitted that she misses him, even that the frustration of the stagnant case is hard to handle. But it's gotten worse with every day, missing him, missing Sherlock, and the growing fear that this case will never be solved, and they must choose to either take the risk or never see each other again.

It's a moment before she answers.

"It hasn't been easy," she says. The strain in her voice hints that there's so much left unsaid behind those words.

[theodorelasso]

"You know you can talk to me, right?" he says softly. "Even if I'm going through stuff too, I want you to be able to lean on me as well. So we can both help each other."

Maybe sometimes that will look like one of them helping the other through tough times. But if they're both having a hard time, then they need to be able to both share. And if Ted's worry about Joan weighs on him, then he can share that with Beard. Joan doesn't really have anyone to lean on for her worry about Ted right now.

[formersurgeon]

There's a long silence as Joan wavers between wanting to remain a rock for him, and wanting, so much, to lean on him. To let him support her. To support each other.

When she finally speaks, her voice is very quiet.

"What happens if we don't solve the case?"

[theodorelasso]

Ah. Now he gets what's been weighing on her. Ted, the eternal optimist, hadn't even really considered that possibility. He has to take a moment to consider it.

"Then I guess eventually we reach the point where staying apart hurts more than the risk of being together," he answers. Because he can't imagine the risk outweighing the hurt of saying goodbye to Joan forever.

Even now, today, after having been attacked and driven to a panic attack, again. He just loves Joan so much.

[formersurgeon]

She closes her eyes and takes a breath to steady herself. She still has to deal with the thought popping up periodically that if she really loved Ted she would do the "right thing" and leave him. A part of her believes that she should be alone, after all the times people have been hurt or died because of her.

She's fighting that voice, though, armed with the knowledge that Ted loves her, that Ted chooses her, even in the face of potential danger, or even actual danger.

"It hurts a lot," she says quietly.

[theodorelasso]

"I'm sorry.." Ted answers sadly. He wishes there was more he could do. He bites at his lip. He doesn't know how fast Joan usually solves these things. It's been a rough week, to say the least.

"How about we give it a week? Give you guys some time to follow up on Perry. If there's no progress, then just... Come back. And we can try to solve it together instead," he suggests.

He knows part of the reason it hurts so much right now is because it feels so indefinite, so eternal. If there's a light at the end of the tunnel, then it's easier to bear in the meantime.

[formersurgeon]

Joan needs to take another breath before lifting her head and quickly wiping the tears from her eyes. The idea of having an end in sight and knowing that they will be together again no matter what really does make her feel more hopeful.

"I think I can last a week," she says, her tone lighter but the hint of tears still in her voice.

[theodorelasso]

"Alright," Ted answers softly, his heart aching, wishing he could hug her. "I love you. We're gonna figure it out one way or another," he reassures her.

"And until then, why don't you spend some time with Marcus and Gregson, or some other friends? Take a break. You need time to recharge too," he suggests. He really doesn't want her to neglect herself, since it seems like Sherlock was definitely right about her tendency to do so. "You know, like in athletics, you gotta have rest days to let your body heal and build itself up. Same thing's true for your heart and your brain."

[formersurgeon]

"I love you too." Her voice is more steady now. She even smiles as he suggests she spend time with friends. "Yes Coach," she says, teasing him fondly.

He's right, of course. She's been keeping herself shut away, rationalizing it as the same thing she did when Andrew died, as something she needs to do to keep up the facade and concentrate on the work. But staying so isolated isn't actually helping anything.

She's also realizing that part of that self-isolation is penance. Penance for the hurt Ted is going through, feeling responsible even though they don't yet know that the attack had anything to do with her. She's paid penance for so many things in her life, it's subconscious at this point.

[theodorelasso]

"There you go," Ted answers, smiling when she teases him. He actually feels a bit better too, for having made sure she's taking care of herself. And just for talking to her in general, of course.

"What are they like, by the way? You haven't really spoken about them," he points out, curious to hear about the people she and Sherlock work with usually.

[formersurgeon]

She smiles as he asks her about Gregson and Marcus. She lies down with a sigh, relaxing.

"Captain Gregson is great. He's always been good to me and Sherlock. It's not always easy to be a consultant with a police department. A lot of cops are resentful of us. And I get it. We're often called in on cases that the detectives in the department couldn't handle. We're also technically civilians, so there are a lot of restrictions that don't apply to us. Even when he's gotten crap for using us, though, he's been in our corner. Honestly, I think Sherlock sees him as a father figure. Which is good, because Sherlock's father is honestly pretty horrible."

[theodorelasso]

"The one with way too much money, right?" Ted asks. "Well, I definitely get what it's like when the people you're trying to help are resentful," he says with a soft chuckle.

[formersurgeon]

She chuckles. "Yes you do. And yeah, way too much," she confirms with a smile. Her voice turns somber. "It's more than that, though. He has a lot of power. Like, a lot. The sort of power where people who cross him wind up dying in freak accidents."