For Joan

[theodorelasso]

Continued from here.

(warnings: sexytimes. also, panic attacks, brutal violence, attempted murder, discussion of suicide and actual murder... )

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[theodorelasso]

"Do you want company?" he offers softly. He doesn't mind either way, whether she wants comfort or privacy. He's just here to dedicate himself to whatever she needs.

[formersurgeon]

"Please," she answers softly.

Showering alone will just give her mind an opportunity to ruminate. It can be wonderful when she's stuck on a case, but right now...right now she doesn't want to think any more than she has to about her mother.

[theodorelasso]

"Alright," he says, giving her back a final rub then getting out of bed. He offers her his hand, mostly so they can hold hands and she can lean on him - not physically maybe, but emotionally.

[formersurgeon]

Joan stands and slips her hand into his. She leads him into the bathroom and closes the door, then turns away and begins to slowly undress. Ted doubtless notices that she's wearing the same clothes as yesterday. She had been so tired and sad last night that by the time she got to bed she just crawled in with her clothes. Then this morning...

[theodorelasso]

It doesn't surprise him, if she got home at four. Though... she usually does undress before she gets into bed with him, so maybe the fact fact that he wasn't there...

He tries not to think about that. Instead he leans over to turn on the shower to make sure it's warm, then undresses as well, and occasionally helps her, setting their clothes aside.

[formersurgeon]

He helps her, and she lets him. Joan is familiar with the fact that the pain of grief can have very physical manifestations, but she's never felt it herself, not to this extent. Her whole body aches. Luckily the hot water should help with that. As will Ted's gentle touches.

[theodorelasso]

Once they're all undressed, he rests his hands on her shoulder and kisses her hair, before getting into the shower, testing the temperature.

"It's nice and warm," he says, mostly talking to fill the silence and to ground her in the moment. "Let me wash your hair?" he asks, taking the shampoo bottle.

It's been a long time since his help was necessary, but he's done it a few times since then, just for the same of intimacy and gentle caring for each other. An excuse to touch each other, not that they really need it.

[formersurgeon]

As always there's a comfortable intimacy in being naked with Ted, and she closes her eyes as he puts his hands on her shoulders and sighs as he kisses her hair, just letting herself feel loved and cared for.

Joan follows Ted into the shower. The water is warm, and it feels good on her skin. When he offers to wash her hair she nods, then steps closer to him, rests her hands on his waist and lays her head on his chest with a sigh.

[theodorelasso]

In a way it's reassuring that she's seeking out the comfort rather than rejecting it. It means she'll allow things to get better, and she'll have the support to get through everything.

He smiles gently as she leans against him, and he makes sure her hair gets wet before he puts shampoo in his hands and starts gently lathering up her hair.

"I missed you last night.." he says softly, a little sadly.

[formersurgeon]

Joan is used to withdrawing, folding in on herself and shutting everyone out, throwing herself into work. Sherlock has seen this first hand, and has helped her through it, often with her considerable resistance. But Ted is different. She can be vulnerable and broken and lost and Ted will only ever treat her with love and kindness while giving her the support she needs to make her way out. She's so lucky to have him. And his comment emphasizes that.

"I missed you too," she murmurs, just as sadly, her head still resting on his chest as he lathers her hair with shampoo.

[theodorelasso]

"I'm glad to be with you now though," he adds. They can't change the past, but they can put stuff aside and support each other now.

He continues massaging and rinsing out her hair, but she's not quite short enough to be much lower than his chin. So when he leans his head down a little to see what he's doing, he accidentally touches his face to her shampooed up hair and gets shampoo in his mouth, sputtering a tiny bit. "Oh yuck," he says, laughing a little bit and rinsing his mouth.

[formersurgeon]

"I'm glad you're here," she answers softly. She is certain that he would have come no matter what, because he loves her. Even if they had separated, he would be here for her now. She can't help but wonder how much of an issue that situation is still, though. They can put it aside and support each other, but would they pick it up again when this is over? Does she need to worry that things are uncertain?

She lifts her head from his chest when he sputters, and smiles a little. After he rinses his mouth she reaches up to gently wipe away a cluster of suds from the corner of his mouth. Then she cups his cheek and tips up her face to kiss him softly.

[theodorelasso]

Ted smiles into the kiss and returns it softly, happy to see her smile, and that she's relaxed enough to do this. "Thanks."

He pushes back her hair a little, making sure it's getting rinsed out properly, before handing her the soap. "You know how once you get into the shower and it's all nice and warm, you just end up not wanting to leave it? Well, it's like twice as hard when you're in here with me," he says, smiling gently.

[formersurgeon]

She smiles faintly at that, taking the soap. "The feeling is mutual," she says softly.

She pauses though, soap in hand, looking up at him.

"Are we okay?" she asks, searching his eyes.

[theodorelasso]

The question takes him a little aback. "Yeah, of course," he answers, and it's automatic but it's also genuine.

He doesn't really want to get into it now, but he also recognizes that it's worrying her more to leave it unresolved. He sighs a bit, rubbing at his chin, considering how to explain himself.

"I know you were looking into for my sake," he says finally. "And it wasn't just that, it was.." He pauses, considering. "I don't know, I was upset at having to confront it so unexpectedly, I guess. I got defensive. But.. Yeah, we're okay. It's gonna take a lot more than that to make us be not okay, I promise."

[formersurgeon]

She listens and nods, looking relieved yet still sad, about her mother, sure, but also about the hurt she caused him.

"I'm glad. And I get it. I wish I had handled it better, and I'm sorry. When you want to...if you want to...I would really like for you to tell me about what happened. But until then I won't bring it up. Okay?"

[theodorelasso]

He nods and sighs, also relieved that they've cleared the air a little bit at least. He also very much appreciates the ability to bring it up in his own time - but now knowing it won't be a bit dramatic revelation when he finally does.

Which is not gonna be anytime very soon. They've got enough parental death to deal with for the moment.

"I love you," he says, and leans down to kiss her again.

[formersurgeon]

"I love you," she murmurs back, and kisses him, cupping his cheek, pressing her body warmly against his. She's seeking sensation, something to distract, to numb, to lose herself in if only just for a moment.

[theodorelasso]

He wraps his arms around her gladly, stroking at her shoulder blades with his fingertips, just holding her close. He kisses her back, chaste but affectionate, enjoying the closeness.

[formersurgeon]

She had hoped to be perhaps a little less chaste, but the situation is strange and complicated and she doesn't have the energy to insist. So she holds onto him in return, eyes closed.

[theodorelasso]

She would have to insist pretty hard - if he thought it would help, he might go along with even if this isn't exactly the most arousing circumstances ever. But as it is, he thinks she'd probably just regret it later - he certainly would, if he was in that situation.

So instead he just holds onto her, giving that moment of quiet and safety and affection.

[formersurgeon]

Joan is familiar with the common link between grief and sex, where the bereaved seeks out sexual contact to fill a void and numb the pain of loss, so she wouldn't regret it or feel ashamed. It's perhaps an echo of her "exercise partners" in that the focus is on a need instead of the partner. But Ted isn't an exercise partner, and she won't push when he's pretty clearly uncomfortable with the idea. So she just holds onto him, taking in his affection with gratitude.

[theodorelasso]

He stands there holding her for quite a while, before he gently pulls back to smile at her. "We're turning into raisins," he points out. Not that he minds terribly, but they're gonna run out of hot water eventually, and they can't hide in here forever, unfortunately.

[formersurgeon]

She gives him a faint, sad smile in return. They can't stay here forever. Sooner or later Joan has to start doing what needs to be done. So she gives him one more kiss, then pulls away to carefully soap up before handing the soap to Ted.

[theodorelasso]

Ted soaps himself up too - somewhat carelessly, since the point of this was never to get clean, as he already showered last night.

He steps out of the shower first, just so he can grab a towel and hand it to her when she gets out herself.