For Joan

[theodorelasso]

Continued from here.

(warnings: sexytimes. also, panic attacks, brutal violence, attempted murder, discussion of suicide and actual murder... )

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[formersurgeon]

She sees that, sees him completely close off, and it hurts. She sighs and looks down at her coffee cup again. She doesn't even know if it's worth it to go on now. If he'd even be listening to her.

"If you need time to process that I understand," she says softly.

[theodorelasso]

He nods a bit, pursing his lips, considering.

"How'd you find out?" he asks, his voice tightly controlled and deceptively casual. She could've deduced it, sure, but she wouldn't really know unless, well, she knew.

[formersurgeon]

His voice doesn't deceive her. She can sense anger beneath his tightly controlled façade.

"I saw how you reacted to the fact that Turner Chapman lost his father," she says softly, still looking at her coffee cup, not wanting to see that closed, cold expression any more than she has to. "I could see you were hurting. But I knew there was more there than you were letting on, and I was concerned. I wanted to know so that I could be aware of how things might affect you. So I could help. But I didn't want to ask you, because I knew it had to be a painful subject. So I asked Sherlock to see what he could find, and he came across the police report."

[theodorelasso]

Ted takes this all in, watching her. So she's known for months. He's had time to mend multiple broken bones in the time she's known.

And the fact that Sherlock knows too, it shouldn't surprise him but it still hurts. He got divorced less than a year ago, and then all that terrible stuff with Turner and Rupert happened, and Ted just wanted one bit of pain to be something he didn't have to think about, something that wasn't known.

He knows her intentions were good, and he knows he was resisting telling her, but that doesn't help how betrayed he feels. The fact she found out about the most traumatic experience in his life through something as cold and impersonal as a police report, that stings.

"So instead you went behind my back," he concludes, and his voice may not be loud, but it's definitely sharp. "And you're not even apologizing, you're just telling me, and you can't even look me in the eye while you do it."

[formersurgeon]

She looks up at him, meeting his eyes, her expression plain and sad.

"Should I have asked you?" she asks softly, not flinching from the sharpness in his tone or the anger in his gaze. "You were already in a vulnerable state. I didn't want to make it worse. Should I have told you before now? Would it have made a difference? Or should I have just kept it to myself?"

She continues to look him in the eyes. If that's what he wants, that's what she'll give him.

[theodorelasso]

"You should've not done it," he answers, no longer bothering to try to hide the anger. "How has knowing made any difference? What do you think would've happened if you didn't know?"

[formersurgeon]

She takes a breath, accepting the anger without returning it and without withdrawing. "You would continue bearing the knowledge alone," she says softly. "You would watch a movie about a man...a father...contemplating suicide, while struggling with the feelings of your relationship with your own son, and no one would know why that might be particularly hard." She looks at him with so much love and concern and sadness. "No one would know to make sure you're okay," she finishes.

[theodorelasso]

He sees her concern and her compassion, and part of him loves her for it, but right now it's also frustrating, and the anger still ultimately wins out.

"And did you need to? First of all, I called you guys over to keep me company anyway," he points out - though if he's honest, he knows that's not necessarily a given, at least on any other day.

"And if I hadn't - what do you think would happen? You think I would do the same thing? You think I would ever do that to Henry, to you? I hated my dad for what he did to me and my mom, you think I could do the same damn thing?"

He gets suddenly to his feet, pushing the chair back roughly, needing to walk, to move, to not look at her for a second.

[formersurgeon]

He springs up, shoving the chair, and she rises as well, turning so she's still facing him but not pursuing him or trying to get him to look at her. She knows that him calling them over isn't a given, that he doesn't always seek out help and support when he needs it, wanting to be positive and be the one who helps, not the one who needs help. But she's not going to call him on that.

"I know you would never want to hurt Henry," she says. "Or me. That doesn't mean you're not in pain. Or that the thought never occurs to you, even if you never act on it."

[theodorelasso]

Ted rubs at his chin, pacing back and forth, and glancing over at her when she says that, shaking his head a bit.

"You know what, I don't want to talk about this," he decides. "I need to get to work."

He turns and goes to get his stuff.

[formersurgeon]

She watches him go, then sinks down into the chair again, putting her face in her hands. Shit. She had figured this reaction from him was likely, but it doesn't make it any easier.

She sighs and lifts her head. Then she gets up and goes into the living room, not saying anything, just sitting down, being present. She's not forcing him to talk, but she's also not going to abandon him because he's angry.

[theodorelasso]

He goes and grabs his backpack, getting his laptop and everything he needs. He sits down on the bed for a second, taking a moment to breathe. He manages to calm down enough to know that whole 'don't go to bed angry' applies to more than just going to bed, and that he probably shouldn't run off to work while still fuming.

But he also really doesn't want to talk about it. But... he knows her intentions were good. He knows she did it out of love, of being worried about him.

He grabs his backpack and goes to put on his shoes and jacket, then stops at the living room, seeing her sitting there.

Ted sighs and heads over to her. "I'll see you later," he says quietly, and leans down to give her a goodbye kiss. He's not done being angry and hurt, and you can still tell in his posture and his voice, but he doesn't want to just walk out coldly like that.

[formersurgeon]

"I'll see you at the game," she replies softly before returning the kiss, emphasizing that she's not going to abandon him, even though he's angry with her. "I love you," she says when their lips part.

[theodorelasso]

"You too," he answers quietly. He's tired and sad and hurt and angry, but he appreciates her doing her best to mitigate the awfulness of the situation.

He gives her shoulder a little squeeze, then turns and heads out the door to go to work.

[formersurgeon]

She gives him a small, sad smile at the squeeze, touching his arm with an answering gentle affection, then watches him go. Once the door closes behind him she takes a shuddering breath and hides her face in her hands again. She sits like that for a long moment, before finally lifting her head, getting up, and going to take a shower. There's still a day ahead of her, and she has a football game to go to.

[theodorelasso]

Ted doesn't talk about it with the gang - that would require telling them about what exactly he's so upset about in the first place. Beard notices that's something's up though, and Ted admits that he had a fight with Joan, and he offers his quiet sympathies.

But mostly people are in good spirits, after what appears to have been a roaring success at Higgins' house, so Ted tries to let the cheer infect him as well, so he can be there to support the team.

Once the match is about to start, he does glance up at the owner's box as he heads out onto the pitch. Despite everything, he's glad she's still there to support them.

[formersurgeon]

Joan goes by 221B after she's dressed to check in with Sherlock. The other detective takes one look at her face.

"You told Ted."

"Yes."

"He didn't take it well."

"No."

They don't say much about it after that. Joan knows Sherlock would much rather she not share her domestic troubles with him, even though he will certainly listen if she needs to talk. She doesn't really need to talk to anyone but Ted, so instead they talk about their case. It's good to have a little bit of time where she can focus on something else entirely.

When she gets to the owner's box she greets Rebecca and Keeley, asking them about their Christmases, trying to not show her sadness. Keeley picks up on it, though, and asks her if something's wrong. She quietly confides that she and Ted had a fight. After being mock shocked that Ted would ever fight, she tells Joan that if she needs anything, she's there for her.

When the team is marching out onto the field Joan leans over the edge of the box a little to look for Ted. When he looks up to see her in the box she smiles, and gives him a little wave, then blows him a kiss.

[theodorelasso]

Keeley's never been in a situation to see Ted angry. Rebecca has, and the team has, so they know perfectly well he's capable of it, even if it doesn't come often. They do however also know that Ted's anger doesn't usually last that long, especially if things change as a result of it.

By the time of the match, Ted's no longer angry, even if the hurt hasn't quite faded. He raises his hand in return to her, like he always does, and takes a deep breath, trying to clear his mind and focus on the game.

It's not the most intense match ever, as both teams must be recovering from Christmas. They do however end up with a loss, just by one point, it having been really close for most of the game. It's not really what Ted needed right now, but he tries to keep his spirit up and cheer up the team as they all head back into the locker room.

[formersurgeon]

It's a bit of a heartbreaker, and Joan is a little taken aback by how keenly she feels it. She wanted the team to win. She wanted Ted to win.

Rebecca invites Joan to her office for a cocktail as she waits for Ted to finish with the team. Joan accepts, and follows Rebecca and Keeley into the clubhouse. Rebecca mixes Joan a gin and tonic, and Joan sits on the couch with Keeley, who looks at her with concern and rubs her shoulder a little.

[theodorelasso]

It's not the best pep-talk he's ever given, but he does encourage the team not to let this ruin their Christmas, and that they'll start out stronger next year. And as usual, his speech can very much apply to himself as well.

He expects Joan to waiting for him as usual, and he dreads it a little, mostly because he's not entirely sure how to act in front of all of them, nor whether or not Joan will have told the others. And yet he also looks forward to seeing her, because she's always there to support him after a bad match..

He heads up to the office, knocking on the open door as he enters. "Merry Christmas, y'all," he greets, the usual 'subdued but keeping his chin up' the way he usually is after a loss.

[formersurgeon]

The three women all look over to Ted and smile, Rebecca's expression being one of friendly consolation, Keeley's being sympathetic and encouraging, and Joan's compassionate and loving and still sad.

"Merry Christmas," Keeley replies, clearly wanting to cheer him up.

"Would you like a drink?" Rebecca asked.

[theodorelasso]

Their expressions don't really betray whether or not they know, since they would all be looking sympathetic after a loss anyway.

"Yes please," he answers. After he stopped being on pain meds (a thankfully not too awful process, with Joan's support and knowledge), he did go back to his usual amount of drinking. At least whenever Sherlock's not around, at which times he limits himself. Now definitely seems like a good time for a drink though.

"How was your Christmas?" he asks, glad to have something to talk about besides the match, as he goes to sit down next to Joan. He's no longer as cold and stiff as he was earlier, but he still feels a little awkward about it all.

[formersurgeon]

It depends on what he thinks she might have told them, of course. Keeley knows they were fighting. She would never tell them why.

He sits next to her, and she glances at him with a small smile of grateful relief. She wouldn't have been surprised if he had kept his distance. She wouldn't blame him either.

She takes his hand, squeezing it gently.

Keeley tells them about Phoebe's bad breath and their door-to-door search for a dentist. Rebecca talks about bringing presents to children. Joan smiles and nods, listening to their stories, holding Ted's hand.

[theodorelasso]

Ted just doesn't want to let on to Keeley and Rebecca about the conversation they had earlier. And... It's still nice to get that comfort and presence from Joan. Even if they haven't cleared the air, it's not like this was going to break their relationship just like that.

He doesn't quite reciprocate, but he does let her hold his hand. He listens to them recounting their Christmas, smiling and giving his usual reactions and questions. He's glad they all had good ones - well, relatively speaking, in Keeley's case.

He just gives a quick recap of their own day - gifts with Henry, then dinner and a movie with Joan and Sherlock. He doesn't mention It's A Wonderful Life.

Soon enough though, he says he'd better head on home, and he gets to his feet. He doesn't look at expectantly at Joan or anything, letting her decide for herself if she plans to come with him now or not.

[formersurgeon]

She nods in support of Ted's explanation of their Christmas, letting him be the one to say how it all went. When he stands up she does likewise, wanting to at least have some moments with him alone before they part ways, however that happens. She says goodbye to the other two, and Keeley gives her a smile and an encouraging nod. She smiles back.

Once they're in the stairwell, Joan turns to him.

"I'm sorry about the game," she says softly.