For Joan

[theodorelasso]

Continued from here.

(warnings: sexytimes. also, panic attacks, brutal violence, attempted murder, discussion of suicide and actual murder... )

Comments

[theodorelasso]

Beard smiles, grabbing a cookie (or biscuit). "Well. He does have things to hide. They're just not things he's done wrong," Beard points out. Not things that Joan would be hired to investigate or anything like that. But sometimes that effusiveness is definitely covering how he's hurting. He's still genuinely friendly and optimistic, he's just not necessarily vulnerable while being so.

[formersurgeon]

"That's true," she concedes. "Although I didn't really fully realize that until recently. How much he's protecting himself with that friendliness. Maybe a better way to put it is that he doesn't have an ulterior motive. He wasn't being intentionally friendly in order to pull the wool over my eyes or manipulate me somehow. The extent to which he does that to protect himself is unintentional. I think it's a reflex at this point."

[theodorelasso]

Beard nods in agreement. "There are worse coping mechanisms for protecting yourself," he comments. He certainly exhibits a few. Not that he's going to discuss them.

[formersurgeon]

"There are," she agrees, her voice soft and a little sad. Joan has been known to have her own maladaptive behaviors to protect herself. One of which being to shut down and distance herself, which Beard has seen in all it's heartbreaking glory. One might think she's punishing herself, not protecting herself, but isn't that a twisted sort of protection? Punishing herself so that others won't punish her? Or...worse...forgive her?

"Sherlock usually pushes people away. Ted just refused to be pushed."

[theodorelasso]

Beard huffs a small laugh. Sounds about right. "I think the worst you could say about Ted is he's got some boundary issues sometimes. Though not intentionally."

In some cases it's a matter of people not making their boundaries clear, for whatever reason. In others, he blankly ignores boundaries, reading them to be unhealthy protective barriers - and most of the time, he's correct, and it's for the best. But he's hardly infallible. But because his intentions aren't malicious, it usually ends up alright.

[formersurgeon]

She hums, considering that. "Usually when I think of boundary issues, I think of people who are either oblivious to boundaries or just think they don't apply to them. That's definitely not Ted. That is, however, frequently Sherlock."

[theodorelasso]

"Weell.." Beard answers. "Crossing boundaries because you think it's for the best? I'd say that counts. It just tends to work out for the best because he's got good insight on why those boundaries are there in the first place. Like Rebecca."

[formersurgeon]

"But then he's thinking about Rebecca, not himself," she counters. "He's pushing the boundary with a purpose, instead of just disregarding it because he thinks he's too cool for school."

[theodorelasso]

"Doesn't mean it can't accidentally hurt people," he answers. But then is pretty conscious about boundaries, his own and others. Privacy especially. "And he's always been a little bit too cool for school," he adds with a small smile.

[formersurgeon]

Joan laughs a little at that. "Fair enough," she says with a smile. "He cares whether he hurts people, though," she points out. "Not everyone does."

[theodorelasso]

"Everyone worth spending time on does," he points out. They might still hurt people because of their own neuroses, but if they don't care, then why care about them?

[formersurgeon]

"Do you think Ted would agree with that?" she asks, out of curiosity instead of reproach. She's pretty sure he wouldn't.

[theodorelasso]

"Definitely not. But he's not always right," Beard points out with a smile.

[formersurgeon]

"I mean, nobody's always right," Joan says with a smile. "But I imagine there are a lot of people who others look down on and disregard that Ted still treats as worthy of time and respect. He even changes their lives."

Her tone is gentle.

[theodorelasso]

"That he does," Beard agrees with a soft smile. He has personal experience with that.

[formersurgeon]

Joan smiles back. She's very grateful that Ted gives time to people others think are not worth it. If he didn't...well, things would be very different.

***

By the time Ted makes it out of 221A, Sherlock has flagged a cab and is waiting with the door opened, ready to take the crutches and help Ted into the back seat.

[theodorelasso]

Thankfully Ted doesn't require too much help, though the holding of crutches is helpful, and he appreciates it, thanking Sherlock as he gets into the car.

He feels a certain... dread about going where they're going. He knows it's not necessarily rational, that everything will most likely be fine, if maybe a little uncomfortable. Yet still the worry creeps in.

[formersurgeon]

Sherlock gets in beside Ted, tells the driver their destination, then leans back as the cab takes off. He looks over at Ted and can see the worry in his face and in the tension of his body. He tries to think of how Watson would handle this.

"Would you like to talk about it?" he asks, the words still feeling a bit unnatural in his mouth. He is trying.

[theodorelasso]

Ted looks over at Sherlock with raised eyebrows, a mix of being surprised and impressed. He smiles and shakes his head softly.

"I don't know..." he answers quietly. "I know there's nothing to worry about, I just..." He trails off, not sure what to say. He knows he shouldn't worry, he just does.

[formersurgeon]

Sherlock nods, looking forward, tapping his right index finger against his thumb as he considers what to say.

"Regardless of how aware we may be, intellectually, of the reality of death, it is still difficult to be confronted with it."

[theodorelasso]

Ted hums and purses his lips, nodding. "I haven't really..." he starts, pausing. "I mean, I don't know if I've properly absorbed how close I came to.." The sentence finishes itself even as Ted trails off.

He's thought a lot about how close Joan came to dying. But for himself, he was pretty delirious as it was happening, and then afterwards, he.. Well, he slipped right into trying to protect and reassure others, as he does. That was a lot easier, and familiar. Even in recounting all of it, he was much more focused on his interactions with Turner than what the outcome would've been.

[formersurgeon]

Sherlock listens, frowning faintly. He wishes Watson was here. She would be able to comfort Ted far better than him. He doesn't know what to say, or really what to do.

He lifts a hand, hesitates, then awkwardly places it on Ted's shoulder.

[theodorelasso]

Ted looks up, and smiles a bit at the gesture. He gives Sherlock a grateful nod of acknowledgement.

Sherlock may not know what to do or say, but his heart's in the right place, and it's obvious that he wants to help. That's more important than anything else.

"I just don't know if I should talk to Joan about it, since she's probably dealing with enough herself," he continues. Meaning it's actually intentional he's bringing it up with Sherlock, not Joan. He doesn't want her to put aside her own feelings in order to deal with his. She's already doing that enough.

[formersurgeon]

"You should absolutely talk to Watson about it," Sherlock says without any hesitation. "Caring for others is vital to her happiness. Something I suspect your are quite familiar with yourself. And while there are certainly times when each of you will neglect yourselves in the process, trying to protect her by denying her the chance to care for you at all is at best counterproductive."

He awkwardly pats Ted's shoulder.

"She loves you. And I know you love her as well. And what I've learned about love is how important it is not only to care for the other, but to allow yourself to be cared for in turn."

[theodorelasso]

See? He does know what to say. You just gotta get to the heart of the issue, or present something he can give actual guidance on. Plain comfort might not be his strong suit, but insightful advice definitely is. (The physical comfort means a lot to him too, no matter how awkward it is.)

Ted smiles and nods a bit - that smile where he's obviously just realized that Sherlock is absolutely right.

It might even be helpful for her as well, if she's feeling the same and also hasn't quite come to terms with what happened to her. And, while they might absolutely neglect themselves a bit, as long as they both look out for each other, hopefully it will balance out in the end.

"See, that's why I came to you," he says, quietly playful. "That big brain of yours is useful for a lot of things."