trashchildren | For Joan

Continued from here.

(warnings: sexytimes. also, panic attacks, brutal violence, attempted murder, discussion of suicide and actual murder... )

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

From:

formersurgeon

She laughs a little and shakes her head. "Still can't complain," she says with a smile. "I've been so lucky to have Ted and Sherlock here. They've done pretty much the exact right amount of fussing. The two of them have also gotten pretty close, which is near miraculous with Sherlock."

From:

theodorelasso

"Good," he answers, pouring them both some coffee. And of course Ted has befriended Sherlock. He befriends everyone. It's just his way. "I'm sure caring for someone has helped him too. Lets him feel useful and avoid focusing on his own problems."

From:

formersurgeon

It's true, it's practically Ted's superpower, and in this case it's amazing to behold.

"Mmm. He does that a lot, doesn't he?" she says quietly, watching Beard pour the coffee.

From:

theodorelasso

"You've noticed that, have you?" Beard asks, giving her a wry smile. He holds stuff in so much it's a wonder he hasn't imploded.

He sets her coffee cup close to Joan, and picks up his own, taking a careful sip.

From:

formersurgeon

"Every once in a while," she says dryly with an answering wry smile, reaching for her cup and carefully wrapping her hands around it to hold it steady. "There's a lot he keeps hidden," she says, lifting the cup to her lips. "I know what happened to his father," she say softly, and takes a careful sip of coffee.

From:

theodorelasso

Beard raises his eyebrows. "Then you know more than me," he says. He doesn't ask, though. If she wants to tell him, he supposes that's her prerogative, but if Ted hasn't said, then Ted probably doesn't want Beard to know. Or, he simply doesn't want to talk about, which is definitely true in either case.

From:

formersurgeon

That surprises her. A lot. And it shows on her face. She knows Ted and Beard have been working together for a really long time, and for Ted to have never mentioned it to Beard...

"I don't think it's so much that he wants to keep it a secret as he doesn't want to deal with it at all," she says. "Ted didn't tell me. He doesn't know I know. And I'm keeping it that way, until he brings it up himself. I'll let you decide if you want to know. I researched it so that I know what's going on and can help if something happens to trigger the memories, but you don't have to know if you don't want to, or you feel uncomfortable knowing without him knowing you know."

From:

theodorelasso

Beard nods in response to her deciding not to tell him she knows. Makes sense, unless it becomes important.

He shrugs in response to whether he himself should know though. "I don't mind," he answers. He doesn't mind knowing, he just doesn't need to. He can keep secrets, that's not a problem for him.

"I know something bad happened." Which is an understatement, really. "Do you want to talk about it?" he asks. Because that's honestly more of a deciding factor here.

From:

formersurgeon

That's...actually a really good question. Knowing what happened (and in great detail, having read the police report) isn't easy. She's carrying that knowledge inside her, unable to talk to Ted about it. Sherlock knows, and that helps, but as close as he's gotten to Ted recently, he's still not close enough for this secret to weigh on him in quite the same way.

She thinks about confidentiality, how it's so important for a doctor, a sober companion, a detective. But this...this wasn't told to her in confidence. And it's public information.

Still, this isn't really about her, is it? This is about Ted. Her own wants...needs...don't really matter here.

"More than anything I worry about him," she says.

From:

theodorelasso

Beard can tell she's conflicted between wanting to discuss it (she wouldn't have brought it up otherwise), and respecting Ted's privacy. He appreciates her for that, even if it might not be what's best for her.

"I think everyone who knows him sufficiently well does that," he answers lightly. Now more than ever, obviously. Ted is strong, but there's more than one way he doesn't stand up for himself and his own needs. "Do you think it's relevant to what's going on now?" Because obviously, this was three decades ago. It's not necessarily urgent.

From:

formersurgeon

"I do," she answers quietly. "He's around a lot of violent deaths right now. He tried to connect with the man who attacked him, and now he's dead and Ted will never get through to him. A lot of what's happening also makes him feel powerless. And, last but nor least, he's so far from Henry, and he's struggling with that."

From:

theodorelasso

She has a point, and it's heartbreaking to think of someone as good as Ted having to deal with all those things. And it's easy enough to see how they can relate to each other.

"So what do you think we should do?" he asks quietly. He doesn't necessarily think she has an answer to that, but neither does he. It's not easily fixed. They just have to be there for him.

From:

formersurgeon

"I don't know if there's anything we can do, besides keeping an eye on him and being here if he needs us."

Joan has been frequently grateful that Ted has Beard, and now even more so, especially since Ted is planning on going back to work.

From:

theodorelasso

"I agree," Beard answers. "But Ted's tougher than he looks, and than he thinks himself. He'll be alright."

That doesn't mean they shouldn't keep an eye on him of course, just that they can have faith in him. While trying to make sure he takes care of himself.

From:

formersurgeon

"He's incredibly strong," she agrees softly. "He had to be, after what happened to his dad. Even the strongest people have a breaking point."

Ted is doing well like Joan said, but that doesn't mean he'll keep doing well.

From:

theodorelasso

Beard narrows his eyes a bit, squinting at Joan. "Did he kill himself?" he asks finally.

From:

formersurgeon

"Yes," she affirms softly. "Ted was in the house when it happened. He found the body."

That's the most horrible part of it to Joan. It's one thing to know on a conceptual level that your father was dead and had killed himself. To see it, god, smell it...Joan has been to countless scenes of death, so many murders, so many suicides, and even she never really gets used to it. To be sixteen years old and to find your father's body after he shot himself...it's indescribably horrible.

From:

theodorelasso

Beard had guessed that was a possibility, but it's still heartbreaking to have it confirmed, especially that Ted was there. Beard's quiet for a few moments contemplating it.

"You know, Ted hasn't changed that much in the time I've known him. He was always very kind," Beard shares quietly. "But when we met back in college, he was a pretty angry guy.. He was just keeping it bottled up inside most of the time."

From:

formersurgeon

"I've seen that anger," she says quietly. "It's still there. He's really good at hiding it, though. And I worry about what might happen if he keeps it bottled up. It's understandable that he would be angry with his father. He left Ted and his mom. Whatever problems there were...he didn't let Ted be part of the solution."

Her voice has gotten very soft, and she looks away, remembering what she had almost done, just a couple weeks ago. She had felt terrible about it before she knew about how Ted lost his father, and now...

From:

theodorelasso

Beard's known Ted for a while, and it's not always that Ted bottles it up. Usually he finds a way to channel it into something more productive. Back then though, he would just sort of ignore it until it exploded, but by the time they reconnected, he seemed to have found a way to handle it. But every now and then, something comes along that he can't fix and he can't ignore. Like now.

The last part though... Beard recognizes the guilt. He was the one who pulled her back, after all. He knows how Ted would've reacted had she gone through with it.

"Well, everyone makes emotional decisions sometimes. Ted's dad just wasn't lucky enough to have an outside friend who saw what was happening," he says kindly.

From:

formersurgeon

She looks back at him, and gives him a slight, grateful smile. She appreciates Beard and his friendship immensely.

"He's really lucky to have you," she says softly. "So am I."

From:

theodorelasso

Beard smiles softly. "Likewise," he answers. "My life would be pretty different if it weren't for Ted."

The fact they now live in London is the obvious example, of course.

From:

formersurgeon

"Mine, too," she says with another faint smile. At the very least, if it weren't for Ted, she wouldn't be in London right now either.

"How did you two meet?" she asks, curious.

From:

theodorelasso

"College first. We bonded a little over sports, but we weren't very close. Annoyed each other too much," he answers. "Then we met again over a decade later, and that's when we actually became friends."