trashchildren | For Joan

Ted shakes his head a little, feeling like she's missing the point. It's not that he's scared they'll tell anyone - well, not just that. It's the long-term result of that fear. Part of him is scared of anyone knowing. Even himself, paradoxically.

He can't just be blithely open about it to the people he trusts, because he doesn't know how to be open about it.

"It hasn't been part of my life for over fifteen years," he tries to explain. "And talking about it... It feels like I'm being threatened."

He's having trouble even saying this much, his eyes shining. He's fighting the impulse to just shut the conversation down.

"Fifteen years?" she says, forehead creased, pushing herself up to sitting so she can face him and taking his hand. "What happened fifteen years ago?"

She knows this is a difficult conversation, one that he would rather not have. But it feels like there's really no going back now, no forgetting what's been said and leaving questions unanswered and festering. So she's going forward as carefully and gently as possible.

"I started dating Michelle," he answers. And even before then, he had sort of pushed it away. He was already coaching at that point (though not as high-level as he would go on to later), so he was already pretty closeted. But until Michelle, there was still a 'maybe', there was still a potential that maybe he'd fall in love with a man.

"Right," she says. "That makes sense."

She can see those tears in his eyes, and it breaks her heart. She squeezes his hand gently and reaches up with her other hand to touch his cheek.

"I'm sorry you feel threatened," she says softly. "It's not my intention. I hope you know you're safe with me."

He nods, squeezing her hand back, and leaning in for a soft small kiss.

He does feel safe with her. And he started feeling safe with her must faster than he did with anyone else. Her literally saving his life probably helped with that, but even before then, he was a lot more comfortable than he usually is with someone new.

And part of him does feel relieved he's told her. Mostly because once Sherlock realized, it felt wrong to keep it from Joan. While another part wishes neither of them had ever noticed, so he didn't have to think about it.

And then a tiny part of him is glad that Joan knows him a little better now. That she knows another detail of his history.

"Can we stop talking about it now?" he whispers. He hopes she at least knows that it doesn't change anything about how he feels about her.

Joan is glad she knows, because now Ted doesn't have to bear the distress alone. But she knows it's hard for him to talk about it, so at the question she nods.

"Of course." She leans forward to gently kiss him again. "I love you."

She knows this doesn't change how he feels about her. She knows he loves her and chooses her, regardless of who he might be attracted to.

Edited 2021-09-17 23:44 (UTC)

"You too," he whispers back.

He moves back a bit, and rather than sitting to wrap his arms around her, he lies down and rests his head in her lap, closing his eyes.

A moment of showing vulnerability and requesting comfort physically, even as emotionally or verbally it's too difficult to do so.

She shifts carefully so she can lean back against the headboard, then gently rubs his shoulder before stroking his hair. She's here for him, whatever he needs, including physical and emotional comfort. As she tenderly strokes his hair, she thinks about Sherlock. About how kind Sherlock has been to Ted, including by not outing him to Joan, even though he must know that Joan would never think any less of Ted for it. It's unusual for Sherlock to be this close to someone this fast. Of course much of it has to do with Joan herself falling in love fast and hard, and even more with Ted and Sherlock both almost losing her, then taking care of her. Still, there's clearly a connection there, a friendship, that goes beyond merely having Joan in common. She wonders if there's attraction there, at least from Ted's side. She knows that Sherlock is straight. The detective has few, if any, sexual hangups, and that includes the possibility of being gay. But there can be intimacy in a friendship without sex, as Joan and Sherlock themselves have proven. Perhaps Sherlock need not have worried about losing his friend and partner. Maybe, rather, he's gained another.

Ted meanwhile closes his eyes and tries not to think too much of anything. Just letting her stroke his hair. Trying to internalise the comfort.

He makes sure not to fall asleep there though. And to pay attention if it seems like she's about to.

It's a long while later that he finally sits up, when her petting has grown infrequent.

"Do you want to get some sleep?" he asks softly. He seems to have at least calmed down in that time.

Joan tries not to drift as she pets his hair, but she does start slowing down as her eyelids start getting heavy. It's been an active day, relatively speaking, and she's tired.

"Yeah," she answers. "That would be nice."

Ted nods and gives her a soft kiss. "Thank you," he says softly. He doesn't specify exactly what for, because really it's for everything.

She kisses him back just as softly. "Anytime," she says with a small smile. And it's true, regardless of what exactly he's thanking her for. He's the most important person in her life, and she'll do just about anything for him.

He smiles and reaches up to touch her cheek, just looking at her for a second. "Love you."

He kisses her one last time, then sits back against the pillows. "Alright, now go to sleep already, don't let me keep you," he says playfully.

She smiles as he touches her cheek, and turns her head to brush a kiss against his fingertips. "Love you too," she responds.

She just as playfully rolls her eyes at him as he tells her to go to sleep. "If you insists," she sighs, lying down and getting comfortable. She settles on her side facing him, and reaches out to take his hand.

Ted takes her hand, and with the other one he reaches down to stroke her hair gently. Eventually he'll want to grab his laptop (to make sure he also doesn't fall asleep), but while she falls asleep, he'll happily pay attention to nothing but her.

Joan squeezes his hand, then closes her eyes. The conversation definitely riled her up a bit, but Ted's hand on her hair soothes that tension, and she soon falls asleep.

It's obviously riled him up a bit too, and even after all this gentle cuddling, there's still that little pit of anxiety in his chest. But he tries to breathe deeply and not give into it.

Once Joan's breathing deepens, and she's been asleep a while (with no twitching), he carefully lets go of her and grabs his laptop to go through emails. He's still getting a lot of work updates, but he's pretty sure they've intentionally kept him out of the loop of anything related to media and how to handle PR. For which he's very grateful. At some point it gets to be enough though - he doesn't like not being able to actually be at work - and he ends up just watching silly videos while he waits for Sherlock to wake up.

Sherlock doesn't sleep, per se. Instead he lies on his back and consciously deepens his breath and slows his heartbeat. He settles at a comfortable resting rate and allows his body to relax while his mind ponders the situation: Watson's recovery, Ted's stress about Watson and about his sexual orientation, the evening with Keeley and Roy.

After a couple hours his body feels rested enough for the moment, so he slowly increases his breathing and heartrate and gets up. He goes to the doorway of the bedroom and knocks softly before entering in order to give Ted and Watson the chance to cover up if necessary.

No covering up is necessary - they didn't even get fully changed for bed. Ted's used to sleeping at least partially dressed anyway, and the past few days he hasn't gotten dressed in more than he could comfortably sleep in, beyond pulling on a sweater or hoodie. (He does kind of look forward to having a reason to get properly dressed.)

"Hey," he greets quietly when Sherlock enters, and closes his laptop and sets it aside. "You sleep alright?"

"I rested adequately," he answers softly, coming over to sit next to Ted. He looks down at the sleeping Watson. "Is she all right?"

Ted nods, looking down at Joan, who looks peaceful and beautiful. "Barely stirred," he answers. "How long does she need to be watched, or stay on those meds? Till she's up and walking properly again?" They're making it work, but it does feel strange to be watching her like a hawk, and he's sure she's looking forward to some alone time.

"I believe as of tomorrow evening we can be sufficiently certain that the medication is efficacious." He looks back up at Ted. "It's about time for her nighttime dose."

"Right," he answers, and looks down at Joan again, and starts to reach out to wake her before he stops, pausing for a second. "I, uh.." he says, looking in Sherlock's direction but not quite at him. "I told her," he says quietly. He figures Sherlock should probably know, so he doesn't feel like he has to keep secrets. Though he's sure both of them are plenty good at keeping secrets.

Sherlock nods at that. He's glad Ted told her. It's not that he has a problem keeping secrets from Watson on principle. He and Watson keep secrets from each other and lie to each other all the time, even now. But this is different. He felt very much that Watson should know, and equally strongly that he could not be the one to tell her.

"Are you all right?" he asks. He doesn't have to ask about Watson because he knows how she would react to learning that information. It's Ted he's concerned about.

"Yeah," he answers, though it's more of an automatic answer than a genuine one, and then followed by a bit of a shrug. He's not... in a state of crisis about it or anything. But it's probably gonna take some processing. He doesn't want to talk about it though. He's done more than enough talking about it today.

So instead he reaches down to stroke Joan's hair, then her shoulder, gently stirring her, waking her in the gentlest way possible.

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject