trashchildren | For Joan

A smile flickers on Sherlock's lips. "Not just. And not the whole time." He nods, backing toward the door. "I shall be on the couch if you need me." With that he takes his leave.

Joan relaxes against Ted and watches as he flips through the channels. She hadn't really watched a lot of British television before they started dating, but now it's become such a comforting thing to do together, even before their lives were turned upside down by Ted's kidnapping.

The Great British Baking Show comes on the screen and Joan hums in approval.

There is a moment there, while Ted's flicking through channels, where he passes a TV series apparently just called 'The Bisexual'. He unconsciously frowns a bit, pressing his lips together - at this point he feels like the universe is just mocking him - as he quickly skips past it, gratefully landing on Bake-Off just a couple channels later. Maybe he's just being sensitive because he talked to Sherlock about it today, but suddenly there is a slight tension in his shoulders...

Joan notices. She notices how quickly he skips past that particular program. Notices how the muscles of the shoulder her head is on tighten. That with the reaction Ted had to Keeley's story makes Joan wonder if Ted is homophobic. Considering where he's from and the macho sports he's coached, it wouldn't be all that surprising, if a little disappointing. She wonders if maybe that's what transpired between Ted and Sherlock. Maybe Shaun is gay and Sherlock noticed Ted's discomfort and called him out on it? It fits the evidence. Ted would be upset and Sherlock would want to let Ted talk to Joan about it instead of talk with her behind his back.

"Do you want to talk about it?" she says softly, since he's clearly at least somewhat distressed.

Ted looks down at her, surprised she would notice his tension enough to ask. The fact that she does makes him feel kind of cornered - even if he knows that's not her intent.

But maybe she doesn't realise why he suddenly got tense? After all, he's got plenty to deal with right now, she could just think he's stressed out thinking about Rupert. (Which absolutely has been making him feel tense, and now that he's thinking about that too, the tension seems to redouble.)

He takes a breath and intentionally relaxes his shoulders, and shakes his head a bit. And he also reaches out to take Joan's hand, squeezing it a bit.

He shakes his head and squeezes her hand, and she squeezes it back...but now she's bothered. She loves him very deeply, and thinks the world of him, but the idea of him being homophobic is so discordant. It's not a favorable thing to think about anyone, much less someone she loves. But she could be wrong. She could be misinterpreting things, missing some vital piece of the puzzle, and she doesn't want to remain uncertain. If he is then she needs to come to terms with that. If he's not, then it's unfair to him for her to continue to entertain the idea. Either way, as much as Joan wants to honor Ted's desire not to talk about it, she needs to at least ask something. She's not going to ask him if he's homophobic, obviously, so it has to be something else.

"Does it bother you that Keeley has dated women?" she asks quietly, looking up at him.

Ted blinks. "What?" he asks, genuinely baffled that's where she went. "No, of course not," he says, sitting back a little so he can look at her.

He hadn't even noticed that she picked up on his discomfort earlier, so it's an extra layer of unexpected.

That answer is pretty definitive, and Joan is visibly relieved. "You reacted strangely when she mentioned it," she explains softly. "I didn't want to think that you would have a problem with it, but I wasn't sure, and...I needed to know." She squeezes his hand. "I'm sorry."

Ted nods a bit - he gets that part. And he's not really offended by it. He's met a lot of homophobic people in his line of work, coaches and players. Actually it's kind of reassuring that it mattered enough to her to ask.

"No, I... I think everyone should be allowed to love who they love," he says. This is.. an uncomfortable conversation, but he definitely doesn't want her to think he's homophobic.

"I'm glad you believe that," she says. "I believe that, too."

She's relieved that he's not homophobic. Of course, it means that she's back to square one when it comes to the reason behind all the strange things going on. His reaction to Keeley talking about dating a woman, his reaction to that TV show, his conflict with Sherlock that upset him so much that he had to leave the apartment and that Sherlock refused to tell Joan about, saying it was up to Ted to...

Joan's eyes widen.

Come out.

"Oh."

There's a bit of relief in Ted too, just hearing her say that. Even if he didn't think she'd say anything else, it's good to hear it. He hopes that's the end of it for right now though. He's ready to just watch these people bake things.

But no.

He looks down a her. "Oh? What 'oh?'" he asks, despite himself. Part of him almost wanted to not ask.

If Joan is right, then Ted freaked out because Sherlock picked up on some attraction to men. Probably to Shaun, considering the timing. She doesn't want him to freak out again, so she just puts her head on his shoulder again, looking at the TV.

"We can talk about this later," she says softly. "When you're ready."

That's... That sure is something. Why does he have to live with two detectives? She knows, right? He's having trouble making this conversation make sense with anything else. 'When you're ready'.

He doesn't push it now, but he's absolutely incapable of focusing on the TV.

He could just ignore it, right? If he wanted to. Does he want to? He honestly can't tell, he's just so used to ignoring it, to compartmentalizing it. Talking about it would.. make it be part of his life. It probably wouldn't change much, but it would be a known thing, and he's not sure he wants that.

Yet what keeps popping up in his head is what Sherlock said earlier. That he doesn't need to face the difficulties or the joys alone. That because Ted matters to them, this matters to them. Does it matter to Ted? Well it doesn't not matter, even if he tries to make it so it doesn't....

He doesn't even notice when the episode ends.

When the episode ends and Ted doesn't react, Joan glances up at him, concerned but trying not to look overly so.

"Do you want to keep watching?" she asks softly.

Ted glances down at her, then reaches for the remote to mute the television. He sits there for a moment before answering, staring ahead.

"You know, I love coaching. It's in my top five - it basically goes Henry, you, my mom, then coaching," he says, gesturing like he's listing them off. He nods a bit to himself, like he's mulling it over.

"Do you know how many openly gay or bisexual players there are in the NFL? Or in the Premier League, or the Championship? Zero," he continues. He sounds slightly bitter, maybe even a little bit angry, but in a subdued way. Like he's used to pushing those feelings down. "So how do you think they would react to a coach like that, someone in a position of power?"

He's not outright saying it, but he is more or less admitting it now. That's probably about as far as he'll get.

Joan listens, the meaning of his words absolutely clear.

"That must be hard," she says softly. "Being afraid of being seen. It shouldn't be that way, but I know it is. I think it's important to remember that nobody owes anyone details of their personal life. I'd never reveal that sort of information about anyone, and especially about people I love. And clearly Sherlock wouldn't either."

Sherlock didn't even tell Joan, after all.

Ted shakes his head a little, feeling like she's missing the point. It's not that he's scared they'll tell anyone - well, not just that. It's the long-term result of that fear. Part of him is scared of anyone knowing. Even himself, paradoxically.

He can't just be blithely open about it to the people he trusts, because he doesn't know how to be open about it.

"It hasn't been part of my life for over fifteen years," he tries to explain. "And talking about it... It feels like I'm being threatened."

He's having trouble even saying this much, his eyes shining. He's fighting the impulse to just shut the conversation down.

"Fifteen years?" she says, forehead creased, pushing herself up to sitting so she can face him and taking his hand. "What happened fifteen years ago?"

She knows this is a difficult conversation, one that he would rather not have. But it feels like there's really no going back now, no forgetting what's been said and leaving questions unanswered and festering. So she's going forward as carefully and gently as possible.

"I started dating Michelle," he answers. And even before then, he had sort of pushed it away. He was already coaching at that point (though not as high-level as he would go on to later), so he was already pretty closeted. But until Michelle, there was still a 'maybe', there was still a potential that maybe he'd fall in love with a man.

"Right," she says. "That makes sense."

She can see those tears in his eyes, and it breaks her heart. She squeezes his hand gently and reaches up with her other hand to touch his cheek.

"I'm sorry you feel threatened," she says softly. "It's not my intention. I hope you know you're safe with me."

He nods, squeezing her hand back, and leaning in for a soft small kiss.

He does feel safe with her. And he started feeling safe with her must faster than he did with anyone else. Her literally saving his life probably helped with that, but even before then, he was a lot more comfortable than he usually is with someone new.

And part of him does feel relieved he's told her. Mostly because once Sherlock realized, it felt wrong to keep it from Joan. While another part wishes neither of them had ever noticed, so he didn't have to think about it.

And then a tiny part of him is glad that Joan knows him a little better now. That she knows another detail of his history.

"Can we stop talking about it now?" he whispers. He hopes she at least knows that it doesn't change anything about how he feels about her.

Joan is glad she knows, because now Ted doesn't have to bear the distress alone. But she knows it's hard for him to talk about it, so at the question she nods.

"Of course." She leans forward to gently kiss him again. "I love you."

She knows this doesn't change how he feels about her. She knows he loves her and chooses her, regardless of who he might be attracted to.

Edited 2021-09-17 23:44 (UTC)

"You too," he whispers back.

He moves back a bit, and rather than sitting to wrap his arms around her, he lies down and rests his head in her lap, closing his eyes.

A moment of showing vulnerability and requesting comfort physically, even as emotionally or verbally it's too difficult to do so.

She shifts carefully so she can lean back against the headboard, then gently rubs his shoulder before stroking his hair. She's here for him, whatever he needs, including physical and emotional comfort. As she tenderly strokes his hair, she thinks about Sherlock. About how kind Sherlock has been to Ted, including by not outing him to Joan, even though he must know that Joan would never think any less of Ted for it. It's unusual for Sherlock to be this close to someone this fast. Of course much of it has to do with Joan herself falling in love fast and hard, and even more with Ted and Sherlock both almost losing her, then taking care of her. Still, there's clearly a connection there, a friendship, that goes beyond merely having Joan in common. She wonders if there's attraction there, at least from Ted's side. She knows that Sherlock is straight. The detective has few, if any, sexual hangups, and that includes the possibility of being gay. But there can be intimacy in a friendship without sex, as Joan and Sherlock themselves have proven. Perhaps Sherlock need not have worried about losing his friend and partner. Maybe, rather, he's gained another.

Ted meanwhile closes his eyes and tries not to think too much of anything. Just letting her stroke his hair. Trying to internalise the comfort.

He makes sure not to fall asleep there though. And to pay attention if it seems like she's about to.

It's a long while later that he finally sits up, when her petting has grown infrequent.

"Do you want to get some sleep?" he asks softly. He seems to have at least calmed down in that time.

Joan tries not to drift as she pets his hair, but she does start slowing down as her eyelids start getting heavy. It's been an active day, relatively speaking, and she's tired.

"Yeah," she answers. "That would be nice."

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