For Joan

[theodorelasso]

Continued from here.

(warnings: sexytimes. also, panic attacks, brutal violence, attempted murder, discussion of suicide and actual murder... )

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[theodorelasso]

There's a bit of relief in Ted too, just hearing her say that. Even if he didn't think she'd say anything else, it's good to hear it. He hopes that's the end of it for right now though. He's ready to just watch these people bake things.

But no.

He looks down a her. "Oh? What 'oh?'" he asks, despite himself. Part of him almost wanted to not ask.

[formersurgeon]

If Joan is right, then Ted freaked out because Sherlock picked up on some attraction to men. Probably to Shaun, considering the timing. She doesn't want him to freak out again, so she just puts her head on his shoulder again, looking at the TV.

"We can talk about this later," she says softly. "When you're ready."

[theodorelasso]

That's... That sure is something. Why does he have to live with two detectives? She knows, right? He's having trouble making this conversation make sense with anything else. 'When you're ready'.

He doesn't push it now, but he's absolutely incapable of focusing on the TV.

He could just ignore it, right? If he wanted to. Does he want to? He honestly can't tell, he's just so used to ignoring it, to compartmentalizing it. Talking about it would.. make it be part of his life. It probably wouldn't change much, but it would be a known thing, and he's not sure he wants that.

Yet what keeps popping up in his head is what Sherlock said earlier. That he doesn't need to face the difficulties or the joys alone. That because Ted matters to them, this matters to them. Does it matter to Ted? Well it doesn't not matter, even if he tries to make it so it doesn't....

He doesn't even notice when the episode ends.

[formersurgeon]

When the episode ends and Ted doesn't react, Joan glances up at him, concerned but trying not to look overly so.

"Do you want to keep watching?" she asks softly.

[theodorelasso]

Ted glances down at her, then reaches for the remote to mute the television. He sits there for a moment before answering, staring ahead.

"You know, I love coaching. It's in my top five - it basically goes Henry, you, my mom, then coaching," he says, gesturing like he's listing them off. He nods a bit to himself, like he's mulling it over.

"Do you know how many openly gay or bisexual players there are in the NFL? Or in the Premier League, or the Championship? Zero," he continues. He sounds slightly bitter, maybe even a little bit angry, but in a subdued way. Like he's used to pushing those feelings down. "So how do you think they would react to a coach like that, someone in a position of power?"

He's not outright saying it, but he is more or less admitting it now. That's probably about as far as he'll get.

[formersurgeon]

Joan listens, the meaning of his words absolutely clear.

"That must be hard," she says softly. "Being afraid of being seen. It shouldn't be that way, but I know it is. I think it's important to remember that nobody owes anyone details of their personal life. I'd never reveal that sort of information about anyone, and especially about people I love. And clearly Sherlock wouldn't either."

Sherlock didn't even tell Joan, after all.

[theodorelasso]

Ted shakes his head a little, feeling like she's missing the point. It's not that he's scared they'll tell anyone - well, not just that. It's the long-term result of that fear. Part of him is scared of anyone knowing. Even himself, paradoxically.

He can't just be blithely open about it to the people he trusts, because he doesn't know how to be open about it.

"It hasn't been part of my life for over fifteen years," he tries to explain. "And talking about it... It feels like I'm being threatened."

He's having trouble even saying this much, his eyes shining. He's fighting the impulse to just shut the conversation down.

[formersurgeon]

"Fifteen years?" she says, forehead creased, pushing herself up to sitting so she can face him and taking his hand. "What happened fifteen years ago?"

She knows this is a difficult conversation, one that he would rather not have. But it feels like there's really no going back now, no forgetting what's been said and leaving questions unanswered and festering. So she's going forward as carefully and gently as possible.

[theodorelasso]

"I started dating Michelle," he answers. And even before then, he had sort of pushed it away. He was already coaching at that point (though not as high-level as he would go on to later), so he was already pretty closeted. But until Michelle, there was still a 'maybe', there was still a potential that maybe he'd fall in love with a man.

[formersurgeon]

"Right," she says. "That makes sense."

She can see those tears in his eyes, and it breaks her heart. She squeezes his hand gently and reaches up with her other hand to touch his cheek.

"I'm sorry you feel threatened," she says softly. "It's not my intention. I hope you know you're safe with me."

[theodorelasso]

He nods, squeezing her hand back, and leaning in for a soft small kiss.

He does feel safe with her. And he started feeling safe with her must faster than he did with anyone else. Her literally saving his life probably helped with that, but even before then, he was a lot more comfortable than he usually is with someone new.

And part of him does feel relieved he's told her. Mostly because once Sherlock realized, it felt wrong to keep it from Joan. While another part wishes neither of them had ever noticed, so he didn't have to think about it.

And then a tiny part of him is glad that Joan knows him a little better now. That she knows another detail of his history.

"Can we stop talking about it now?" he whispers. He hopes she at least knows that it doesn't change anything about how he feels about her.

[formersurgeon]

Joan is glad she knows, because now Ted doesn't have to bear the distress alone. But she knows it's hard for him to talk about it, so at the question she nods.

"Of course." She leans forward to gently kiss him again. "I love you."

She knows this doesn't change how he feels about her. She knows he loves her and chooses her, regardless of who he might be attracted to.

[theodorelasso]

"You too," he whispers back.

He moves back a bit, and rather than sitting to wrap his arms around her, he lies down and rests his head in her lap, closing his eyes.

A moment of showing vulnerability and requesting comfort physically, even as emotionally or verbally it's too difficult to do so.

[formersurgeon]

She shifts carefully so she can lean back against the headboard, then gently rubs his shoulder before stroking his hair. She's here for him, whatever he needs, including physical and emotional comfort. As she tenderly strokes his hair, she thinks about Sherlock. About how kind Sherlock has been to Ted, including by not outing him to Joan, even though he must know that Joan would never think any less of Ted for it. It's unusual for Sherlock to be this close to someone this fast. Of course much of it has to do with Joan herself falling in love fast and hard, and even more with Ted and Sherlock both almost losing her, then taking care of her. Still, there's clearly a connection there, a friendship, that goes beyond merely having Joan in common. She wonders if there's attraction there, at least from Ted's side. She knows that Sherlock is straight. The detective has few, if any, sexual hangups, and that includes the possibility of being gay. But there can be intimacy in a friendship without sex, as Joan and Sherlock themselves have proven. Perhaps Sherlock need not have worried about losing his friend and partner. Maybe, rather, he's gained another.

[theodorelasso]

Ted meanwhile closes his eyes and tries not to think too much of anything. Just letting her stroke his hair. Trying to internalise the comfort.

He makes sure not to fall asleep there though. And to pay attention if it seems like she's about to.

It's a long while later that he finally sits up, when her petting has grown infrequent.

"Do you want to get some sleep?" he asks softly. He seems to have at least calmed down in that time.

[formersurgeon]

Joan tries not to drift as she pets his hair, but she does start slowing down as her eyelids start getting heavy. It's been an active day, relatively speaking, and she's tired.

"Yeah," she answers. "That would be nice."

[theodorelasso]

Ted nods and gives her a soft kiss. "Thank you," he says softly. He doesn't specify exactly what for, because really it's for everything.

[formersurgeon]

She kisses him back just as softly. "Anytime," she says with a small smile. And it's true, regardless of what exactly he's thanking her for. He's the most important person in her life, and she'll do just about anything for him.

[theodorelasso]

He smiles and reaches up to touch her cheek, just looking at her for a second. "Love you."

He kisses her one last time, then sits back against the pillows. "Alright, now go to sleep already, don't let me keep you," he says playfully.

[formersurgeon]

She smiles as he touches her cheek, and turns her head to brush a kiss against his fingertips. "Love you too," she responds.

She just as playfully rolls her eyes at him as he tells her to go to sleep. "If you insists," she sighs, lying down and getting comfortable. She settles on her side facing him, and reaches out to take his hand.

[theodorelasso]

Ted takes her hand, and with the other one he reaches down to stroke her hair gently. Eventually he'll want to grab his laptop (to make sure he also doesn't fall asleep), but while she falls asleep, he'll happily pay attention to nothing but her.

[formersurgeon]

Joan squeezes his hand, then closes her eyes. The conversation definitely riled her up a bit, but Ted's hand on her hair soothes that tension, and she soon falls asleep.

[theodorelasso]

It's obviously riled him up a bit too, and even after all this gentle cuddling, there's still that little pit of anxiety in his chest. But he tries to breathe deeply and not give into it.

Once Joan's breathing deepens, and she's been asleep a while (with no twitching), he carefully lets go of her and grabs his laptop to go through emails. He's still getting a lot of work updates, but he's pretty sure they've intentionally kept him out of the loop of anything related to media and how to handle PR. For which he's very grateful. At some point it gets to be enough though - he doesn't like not being able to actually be at work - and he ends up just watching silly videos while he waits for Sherlock to wake up.

[formersurgeon]

Sherlock doesn't sleep, per se. Instead he lies on his back and consciously deepens his breath and slows his heartbeat. He settles at a comfortable resting rate and allows his body to relax while his mind ponders the situation: Watson's recovery, Ted's stress about Watson and about his sexual orientation, the evening with Keeley and Roy.

After a couple hours his body feels rested enough for the moment, so he slowly increases his breathing and heartrate and gets up. He goes to the doorway of the bedroom and knocks softly before entering in order to give Ted and Watson the chance to cover up if necessary.

[theodorelasso]

No covering up is necessary - they didn't even get fully changed for bed. Ted's used to sleeping at least partially dressed anyway, and the past few days he hasn't gotten dressed in more than he could comfortably sleep in, beyond pulling on a sweater or hoodie. (He does kind of look forward to having a reason to get properly dressed.)

"Hey," he greets quietly when Sherlock enters, and closes his laptop and sets it aside. "You sleep alright?"