For Joan

[theodorelasso]

Continued from here.

(warnings: sexytimes. also, panic attacks, brutal violence, attempted murder, discussion of suicide and actual murder... )

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[formersurgeon]

The news. Joan herself is going to need to make some calls on the off chance that the news names her and manages to reach the States. She answers that small smile with a smile of her own, small and hesitant.

"How did that go?"

[theodorelasso]

"Alright," he answers, nodding. "She said she was very happy for us. I mean, I don't think she'd tell me if she wasn't, but..."

He picked up on that she wasn't 100% enthusiastic about it. But there could be many reasons for that, that have more to do with her life than his. It's a complicated topic.

[formersurgeon]

"You know her best," Joan says. "If you think she's happy for us, I believe you."

She glances away, considering how to proceed. "I should tell you something," she says.

[theodorelasso]

Ted thinks she wants to be happy for them, and that's all he can really ask.

He looks over at her curiously at that. "What?" he asks softly. It's usually important if it needs a preface like that.

[formersurgeon]

She looks back at him, meeting his eyes, wanting to be open and honest, even though it's difficult to tell him about this.

"I saw them," she says softly. "Michelle and Henry. I saw them with you at the hospital. You were expecting me to come back so you could introduce me to them. I made it to right outside the door."

[theodorelasso]

Ted blinks at that. That was not something he was expecting.

That was right before she disappeared, before she told him that they had to break up. Did she say that because she saw them together? If she got that far, and that's what turned her around. And she hadn't known that he loved her yet...

He reaches out and takes her hand, squeezing it. His heart hurts for her.

[formersurgeon]

Sherlock is sitting across from them still, watching this moment, his brows knit in concern, trying to understand what's going on, what Watson is feeling.

He takes her hand, comforting her, and she smiles sadly and glances down.

"In retrospect it was foolish, but...at the time you looked so happy, being with them. I hesitated because I didn't want to ruin that. You loved them, and I wondered...I wondered if maybe you belonged with them. And I would just be in the way."

She feels now like she should have known that he loved her, that she was foolish not to know, but at the time she thought that he cared for her, certainly, but that his love was for those two people he missed so terribly and was so happy with.

She looks up again. "Right then Sherlock texted me to tell me that someone had sent Turner after you."

[theodorelasso]

Ted nods as she explains. He gets it. It was obviously completely wrong, and completely oblivious to the joy she herself brings him. There's a certain self-deprecation and self-doubt in there that makes him incredibly sad. That she can be so confident in her abilities, yet not see that Ted absolutely adores her for who she is. He hopes she sees it more easily now.

And then of course the news about Turner. He gives an 'ahh' of realisation. Of course that would nudge her over the edge and decide he was better off without her. Ted had initially thought it was just that.

He moves over closer to her, wrapping an arm around her shoulder.

"You could never be in the way. You are the way," he says softly, looking her in the eyes.

[formersurgeon]

It's an unfortunate truth that it is those she is closest to that she can at times be blind to. It's not just her, either...pretty much all detectives Joan has worked with have had the same blindness when it comes to people they're near to, people they love. She certainly sees more clearly now how much he adores her. She believes it, too.

She sees that realization, and is glad she's decided to tell him this. He deserves to know the whole story, to know exactly why she walked away. That it was primarily because she didn't want to put him in danger, yes, but also because she thought he would be happier. She loved him so much that she would have let him go if it kept him safe and let him be happy. Finding out that he loves her too changed that calculus.

She looks into his eyes as he says that, and her eyes tear up. She leans in to press her lips to his.

Sherlock rises quietly and collects their empty containers, then heads toward the kitchen to give them some space and privacy.

[theodorelasso]

Ted kisses her back, filled with emotion. Then he gives her a proper warm hug as well, even if it's a little awkward, sitting side by side.

He looks up towards the kitchen Sherlock just disappeared into, and he smiles at Joan. "Think we were too cutesy again?" he jokes gently.

[formersurgeon]

She wraps her arms around his waist, burying her face in his shoulder. She's still weak enough that fully returning the hug is difficult, but she's leaning into it, taking joy and solace from his warmth, his love.

When he asks about Sherlock Joan laughs a little. "Definitely," she jokes back. "At least he's not giving us kissing pointers from the sidelines."

[theodorelasso]

Ted gives a laugh at that. Oh, that would've been something. Not something he would be comfortable with, but very amusing to imagine.

He gives her another kiss, then settles in with his arm around her, the other hans holding hers.

"You know, part of me is always going to love Michelle," he says softly. "But that doesn't mean we were right for each other, or always made each other happy."

[formersurgeon]

She settles against him with a sigh, relaxing, allowing him to hold her, keep her safe.

"I know," she answers softly. "I don't ever expect you to stop loving her. She was your wife. She's the mother of your child. Regardless if where you are now, she'll always be in your life to some degree. And that's okay."

[theodorelasso]

Ted nods, glad she understands. Of course, she knows very well that you can have very important people in your life, but that it doesn't mitigate how you feel about someone else.

"For a while, I, uh..." he continues quietly, looking down at their entwined hands. "I thought she was right for me, but that
... I was wrong for her. You know, that it was my fault I couldn't make her happy, that I was doing something wrong."

[formersurgeon]

She tightens her hand on hers slightly, the closest she can get to a squeeze right now.

"That must have been hard," she says quietly. "Thinking that you were wrong, trying to be right. What made you realize trying to change yourself wouldn't save the relationship?"

[theodorelasso]

He sighs, looking up at the ceiling. "Moving here, I guess. Getting some distance, not running around trying to fix everything all the time," he answers.

"And then... even after that, I still felt like I had failed, for... a while," he admits quietly. "But eventually I realised then if I wasn't right for her, then she wasn't right for me either. That it doesn't just go one way."

[formersurgeon]

Joan nods, considering that. She's never thought about it that way and in those terms, but he's absolutely right. Love is a two-way street, and accepting each other as they are is the pavement that allows everything else to transpire back and forth.

"I think there are people who spend their whole lives trying to be someone else for someone they love," she remarks softly. "I'm so glad you've seen that doesn't work."

[theodorelasso]

"Well, I saw it for her before I saw it for myself," he answers, with an ironic and sad smile. "She was trying so hard to love me, to be happy, and she just couldn't, and it was breaking her heart."

While he was busy feeling guilty he couldn't make her happy, she was feeling guilty she couldn't make herself love him.

[formersurgeon]

She sees that sadness, and her heart aches for both him and Michelle. They were clearly both trying to do right by each other, and enduring a substantial amount of misery in the process.

She reaches up to touch his face, just brushing her trembling fingers against his cheek, her eyes sad as she looks into his.

Then she lowers her hand to rest in her lap.

"I'm sorry you had that experience," she says softly. "And I'm glad you know it was nobody's fault."

[theodorelasso]

Ted smiles, leaning his head against hers for a moment. He's so grateful for her. And if he was still with Michelle, he wouldn't know Joan now. His life would look very different.

"Bless the broken road, huh?" he says quietly, with a soft smile.

He also knows that him and Joan might not last forever, but he hopes. So he's going to invest in it like it will, and he's going to appreciate it like any day could be their last.

[formersurgeon]

"That led me straight to you," she agrees softly. Joan knows that nothing is certain, but she's only ever been sure of two things in her life - her partnership with Sherlock, and her relationship with Ted. She'll do anything she can to fight for them both.

[theodorelasso]

Ted smiles and gives her another kiss, then just holds her for a bit.

After a few moments he leans forward to say loudly to the kitchen: "It's safe to come out now!"

[formersurgeon]

Joan sighs comfortably in his embrace, enjoying the quiet moment.

Then when Ted shouts into the kitchen she smiles and shakes her head, rolling her eyes in amusement.

"Are you certain?" Sherlock shouts back from the kitchen. "Do I need a bucket of cold water to separate you two?"

[theodorelasso]

Ted shudders a bit at that joke, smile disappearing for just a moment.

"Well, that didn't work last time," he points out, and it's still a joke, but it might be a bit more grim. But it's accurate - it brought them closer together if anything.

[formersurgeon]

Joan cringes at Sherlock's words, and tightens her hold on Ted. His response is brave, and she presses a gentle kiss to his cheek.

Sherlock emerges from the kitchen, his expression one of startled realization.

"I did not mean to reference what happened to you," he says softly. "I apologize, truly."